Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
it has been a long time since i have written in this blog,and so much has changed.
The most important change is .i am no longer communicating with ryan.Or ,should i say ,he no longer wishes to communicate with me.it is rather sad ,and ,i still attempt to email him,of coarse with no replies.What happened,is rather sad.
I got very ,very,very,sad and,i wanted ryan ,to just reply ,to tell me it would be ok.
But,of coarse ,he .didnt.And ,I got so ,so,so,upset with him.I got anxiuos ,terribly anxious,and feeling,that I just wanted to die.I had sent him an email telling him ,how would he feel if ,I die ,and he finds out,how would he feel.Well,he just went balistic on me.Cursing me sending an email saying dont fucking threaten me with your guilt trips of suicide thoughts.that i have no right to do that.
and then he said he didnt want to email me anymore.
I was devastated.i cried and cried and cried.m HE sent me one last email that
he didnt hate me but he wishes not to email me again.
I just just was so sad .after ,thinking about ryan ,and how ,i felt about him ,i realized,that ,i loved him,or had deep feelings for me.After ,much consideration
i decided to tell,ryan ,how i felt.He never replied to me about it,And I dont know how he felt about iy.I am assuming ,he is angry with me .But,I felt ,he needed to know.
my good friend els,told me,that ,ryan,probably was scared to death,terrified and had no clue how to handle my situatation.he is quite young,just turned 28 this april.
and ,imnow feel so guilty and ashamed for putting all this on ryan.but,i trusted him,i thought he cared about me.HE seemed to be a caring person ,when we first started emailing. but,i guess ,after awhile,it wears on him.
I STILL MISS HIM ,I KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN an was not good for MY HEART .I also told ryan this.
But,i just got so caught up with ,him,asking his opionions on my pics etc.
i respected his opionion,But ,he hated everything i did all my pics.That really hurt me.I took his judgement as gospel. I was wrong to do that.it saddened me,and ,we ,got into arguements off and on.
I discoveree that ryan was not that person i thought he was or rather i realized i placed him on this pedestal.And ,i allowed his opionions to get me upset.
he was more for him ,he enjoyed getting compliments and feedback,but,he never did that for me. He just was not t
h i am now trying to accept that ryan is not the matureperson and caring person i thought he was.and that is sad.
I do miss him ,and ,i still do and always will have feelings for him. but ,he cant make me happy.
The most important change is .i am no longer communicating with ryan.Or ,should i say ,he no longer wishes to communicate with me.it is rather sad ,and ,i still attempt to email him,of coarse with no replies.What happened,is rather sad.
I got very ,very,very,sad and,i wanted ryan ,to just reply ,to tell me it would be ok.
But,of coarse ,he .didnt.And ,I got so ,so,so,upset with him.I got anxiuos ,terribly anxious,and feeling,that I just wanted to die.I had sent him an email telling him ,how would he feel if ,I die ,and he finds out,how would he feel.Well,he just went balistic on me.Cursing me sending an email saying dont fucking threaten me with your guilt trips of suicide thoughts.that i have no right to do that.
and then he said he didnt want to email me anymore.
I was devastated.i cried and cried and cried.m HE sent me one last email that
he didnt hate me but he wishes not to email me again.
I just just was so sad .after ,thinking about ryan ,and how ,i felt about him ,i realized,that ,i loved him,or had deep feelings for me.After ,much consideration
i decided to tell,ryan ,how i felt.He never replied to me about it,And I dont know how he felt about iy.I am assuming ,he is angry with me .But,I felt ,he needed to know.
my good friend els,told me,that ,ryan,probably was scared to death,terrified and had no clue how to handle my situatation.he is quite young,just turned 28 this april.
and ,imnow feel so guilty and ashamed for putting all this on ryan.but,i trusted him,i thought he cared about me.HE seemed to be a caring person ,when we first started emailing. but,i guess ,after awhile,it wears on him.
I STILL MISS HIM ,I KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN an was not good for MY HEART .I also told ryan this.
But,i just got so caught up with ,him,asking his opionions on my pics etc.
i respected his opionion,But ,he hated everything i did all my pics.That really hurt me.I took his judgement as gospel. I was wrong to do that.it saddened me,and ,we ,got into arguements off and on.
I discoveree that ryan was not that person i thought he was or rather i realized i placed him on this pedestal.And ,i allowed his opionions to get me upset.
he was more for him ,he enjoyed getting compliments and feedback,but,he never did that for me. He just was not t
h i am now trying to accept that ryan is not the matureperson and caring person i thought he was.and that is sad.
I do miss him ,and ,i still do and always will have feelings for him. but ,he cant make me happy.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
2009
Here it goes another year ends and a new year begins.And ,am I a little wiser for it?
I certainly hope so.Even,though katrina happened almost 4 years ago.it still haunts me
and I still shudder every time it rains ,floods and the wind blows hard.I get sick to my
stomach when i smell wrenching garbage or even walk in dirty smelling bathroom stalls.
I sometimes see elder people and I think back to the elder patients that were stranded
in these horrible conditions in the hospitals during and after katrina.I remember their
fearful,frightened cries of help.And,I remember .me not emotionally able to help them
I was there ,in the stairwell huddled ,shaking ,not able to move .frozen at the steps.
there.during the raging ,powerful f orce of hurricane katrina .I was scared ,frightened,begging
God to save us.But,I needed to be strong,I was always strong,Not today ,not now,What
about the patients ,who was there for them.I was weak,I was ashamed that I could not
be there for them.I felt like a coward,
Hurricane katrina was....a power so strong it destroyed peoples homes,peoples communities
It RIPPED APART everthing in its path.But most important it destroyed lives.
famlies ,it was so damn horrible.
ok ,,,,but it is over....now ..imust move on...but I must never ever forget
nawl
I certainly hope so.Even,though katrina happened almost 4 years ago.it still haunts me
and I still shudder every time it rains ,floods and the wind blows hard.I get sick to my
stomach when i smell wrenching garbage or even walk in dirty smelling bathroom stalls.
I sometimes see elder people and I think back to the elder patients that were stranded
in these horrible conditions in the hospitals during and after katrina.I remember their
fearful,frightened cries of help.And,I remember .me not emotionally able to help them
I was there ,in the stairwell huddled ,shaking ,not able to move .frozen at the steps.
there.during the raging ,powerful f orce of hurricane katrina .I was scared ,frightened,begging
God to save us.But,I needed to be strong,I was always strong,Not today ,not now,What
about the patients ,who was there for them.I was weak,I was ashamed that I could not
be there for them.I felt like a coward,
Hurricane katrina was....a power so strong it destroyed peoples homes,peoples communities
It RIPPED APART everthing in its path.But most important it destroyed lives.
famlies ,it was so damn horrible.
ok ,,,,but it is over....now ..imust move on...but I must never ever forget
nawl
report on ptsd
http://www.psychiatricannalsonline.com/showPdf.asp?rID=26329
excellant report on survivors of katrina with ptsd
excellant report on survivors of katrina with ptsd
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
2009
WOW,ANOTHER YEAR!!! And I made it thru without too many incidents,bad incidents.
Yes,there were still said some bumps,some ,heartaches,some ,compulsive,obseesive
episodes,some depressive episodes .some losses.a loss of one of my oldest
bestdearest friend ,ruth.And ,the pain often so unbearable.The loss of the lol ron show.That too was very sad.BUT,I worked my way thru it.I still keep in touch
with ron,He is such a wonderful wonderful person.He is the wise one.He understands
me and he cares ,truly cares.And,that feels so good.
And ,with the new year i am trying to make an active effort to be more understanding,less compulsive,more respectful of peoples feelings.I know sometimes
I get ,I go off the deep end ,and i just kinda freak out.I will try
to chill out more.I know that my canadian friends would really appreciate that.
i do get off the deep end a lot with ryan.Poor guy ,he gets the worst from me,when
I upset,aqnd he tries to be cool about it.Poor guy ,poor guy.
anyway, I WILL TRY to get better.
so ,guys,hopefully you will see a new me:;)
peace
nawl
Yes,there were still said some bumps,some ,heartaches,some ,compulsive,obseesive
episodes,some depressive episodes .some losses.a loss of one of my oldest
bestdearest friend ,ruth.And ,the pain often so unbearable.The loss of the lol ron show.That too was very sad.BUT,I worked my way thru it.I still keep in touch
with ron,He is such a wonderful wonderful person.He is the wise one.He understands
me and he cares ,truly cares.And,that feels so good.
And ,with the new year i am trying to make an active effort to be more understanding,less compulsive,more respectful of peoples feelings.I know sometimes
I get ,I go off the deep end ,and i just kinda freak out.I will try
to chill out more.I know that my canadian friends would really appreciate that.
i do get off the deep end a lot with ryan.Poor guy ,he gets the worst from me,when
I upset,aqnd he tries to be cool about it.Poor guy ,poor guy.
anyway, I WILL TRY to get better.
so ,guys,hopefully you will see a new me:;)
peace
nawl
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
WOW XMAS
wow Iam so not knowing where has all the time gone too?
This is by far my besetest xmas ever,I think,for the first time,I am living for today,not for the past,or the future,but living for today.I feel ,my head is way above water and I am standing
tall,It could not have been done alone,not with the help of my freinds.They ,are ,were there for me. They stayed around,their arms wide open,an available shoulder to cry on.They were silent when i needed just someone to hold me and they were there to listen and ,yes they were there
when I was a total emotional wreck.They believed in me ,even if I didnot.
They were and are so much a part of my life,and will always continue to be my freinds.
And ,Xmas, is a time for freinds and freindships.For true freindships can never be broken
.true freinds are loveand that is the only presant i ask is freindship.
peace
This is by far my besetest xmas ever,I think,for the first time,I am living for today,not for the past,or the future,but living for today.I feel ,my head is way above water and I am standing
tall,It could not have been done alone,not with the help of my freinds.They ,are ,were there for me. They stayed around,their arms wide open,an available shoulder to cry on.They were silent when i needed just someone to hold me and they were there to listen and ,yes they were there
when I was a total emotional wreck.They believed in me ,even if I didnot.
They were and are so much a part of my life,and will always continue to be my freinds.
And ,Xmas, is a time for freinds and freindships.For true freindships can never be broken
.true freinds are loveand that is the only presant i ask is freindship.
peace
Monday, December 15, 2008
RON I MISS YOU
Well,it has been almost 3 months since lol vit von ended ,and I guess,I just spent so much time in denial.I just thought,he will come back,he has to ,what will I do to fill this void that is in my heart?You,know since ron left,I was sad so sad,and I just wanted him back on air.He was just that type of person,who everyone loved ,and no one hated.He was funny,kind,sweet.and at times downright LOONEY,Isay that in a good way.he had one show ,the nutsack show.it was so hysterical.
But as quick as he came into my laughless ,pittiful life,he was taken away from me.
How could I do without him?He was there for me,he was there to help me trough the rough spots of my life,and believe me,I had many.Sure ,there was ryan and jason,but Ron,he was the wise one,hell,he saved my life.
I only wish that Ron trully knows how much he meant to me,and how,his freindship will always be dear to him.I love him as a freind,and always will.
But,I am lucky,because ,some people never get to meet people as wonderful as ron,ever in their
life,and I guess,I was blessed to hav e him come into my life.Thanks Ron.you were and are my
angel.
Freinds are the best presants given to us,freindship is precious and beautiful and warm and fuzzy and just so darn great.I miss you Ron.I love you Ron,I will forever be thankful
for the time we shared.
peace
sue
But as quick as he came into my laughless ,pittiful life,he was taken away from me.
How could I do without him?He was there for me,he was there to help me trough the rough spots of my life,and believe me,I had many.Sure ,there was ryan and jason,but Ron,he was the wise one,hell,he saved my life.
I only wish that Ron trully knows how much he meant to me,and how,his freindship will always be dear to him.I love him as a freind,and always will.
But,I am lucky,because ,some people never get to meet people as wonderful as ron,ever in their
life,and I guess,I was blessed to hav e him come into my life.Thanks Ron.you were and are my
angel.
Freinds are the best presants given to us,freindship is precious and beautiful and warm and fuzzy and just so darn great.I miss you Ron.I love you Ron,I will forever be thankful
for the time we shared.
peace
sue
Saturday, November 8, 2008
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtGF2m102Wg
this is for all my friends out there.This one is dedicated to RYAN
PEACE OUT
this is for all my friends out there.This one is dedicated to RYAN
PEACE OUT
RYAN
I really dont where to begin or really how to say it.And if GOD for bid ,he read this..ahhh.
But,its nothing bad ,only good and sentimental.He is just a wonderful person ,a true friend,
and I trully love him ,as a friend,That is what he hates ,cause he tells me ,I dont love you,And,it
doesnt matter if he does or doesnt.He is from canada,and that is cool .but I often wish I
can just hug him ,and share a good bottle of wine ,and just laugh and talk for hours.Is that so
wrong?
There is something about him that I find so intriging,.What, I dont quite know,He is young,
amitious,fun,free spirited and just a great guy.Maybe ,he is what I wish I could be.His laugh
makes me just giggle inside,and when he sings,it just ,feels so good.I love his blue eyes and his smile ,just sweet and gentle and kind.He just is a caring young guy,And i just miss him.
I just love his music and he has introduced me to some different styles of music.And it
is so cool.At times ,he tells me things which I think are so hurtful ,but still very true.And,
I now realize by him being honest ,he trully is a good friend.
Sometimes I dont exactly know how to take him.He is quiet and shy,and he is so much like kevin.And yet,ryan,makes me feel young .And that feels so great.
I am glad he came into my life,Sometimes I guess I get obseesed with him and sending him emails,It is part of this damn ptsd and depression.And I love him ,but not like the love I have for kevin,
But,its such a unique freindship. He is great and ,even though he is young, he is often there to
give me hope and to send wonderful songs for me to listen too.OMG I hope he doesnt ever see this.I really dont want him to freak out. I am ,I guessed kinda confused with my feelings with him.Hmmmm,
Life is just so confusing ,especially after Katrina.My mind,at times thinks these wierd things.
paronoid,sometimes I think Ryan hates me ,and then i freak out,No,I cant have him be mad at him then,here comes the emails and then more paronoid thoughts and more emails,Then,
does he hate me .Such a vicious cycle.
I just think ryan is the best.Well,when I was a teen,most of my pals were guys.Wow.
Anyway,I am glad I met Ryan/
Remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
yt
him to freak ou
But,its nothing bad ,only good and sentimental.He is just a wonderful person ,a true friend,
and I trully love him ,as a friend,That is what he hates ,cause he tells me ,I dont love you,And,it
doesnt matter if he does or doesnt.He is from canada,and that is cool .but I often wish I
can just hug him ,and share a good bottle of wine ,and just laugh and talk for hours.Is that so
wrong?
There is something about him that I find so intriging,.What, I dont quite know,He is young,
amitious,fun,free spirited and just a great guy.Maybe ,he is what I wish I could be.His laugh
makes me just giggle inside,and when he sings,it just ,feels so good.I love his blue eyes and his smile ,just sweet and gentle and kind.He just is a caring young guy,And i just miss him.
I just love his music and he has introduced me to some different styles of music.And it
is so cool.At times ,he tells me things which I think are so hurtful ,but still very true.And,
I now realize by him being honest ,he trully is a good friend.
Sometimes I dont exactly know how to take him.He is quiet and shy,and he is so much like kevin.And yet,ryan,makes me feel young .And that feels so great.
I am glad he came into my life,Sometimes I guess I get obseesed with him and sending him emails,It is part of this damn ptsd and depression.And I love him ,but not like the love I have for kevin,
But,its such a unique freindship. He is great and ,even though he is young, he is often there to
give me hope and to send wonderful songs for me to listen too.OMG I hope he doesnt ever see this.I really dont want him to freak out. I am ,I guessed kinda confused with my feelings with him.Hmmmm,
Life is just so confusing ,especially after Katrina.My mind,at times thinks these wierd things.
paronoid,sometimes I think Ryan hates me ,and then i freak out,No,I cant have him be mad at him then,here comes the emails and then more paronoid thoughts and more emails,Then,
does he hate me .Such a vicious cycle.
I just think ryan is the best.Well,when I was a teen,most of my pals were guys.Wow.
Anyway,I am glad I met Ryan/
Remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
yt
him to freak ou
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
LIFE WITHOUT LOL
Well,its been almost a week and a half...since no lol::::( ...it is sad.. for the loss ...of the crazy
things we talked about ..and for chatting with the regulars..it was so ...magical....
we all grew to love each other..I miss the singing and just all..the insaneness about it..
their laughs their singing just who they were....it was a place I could go to ,...where there was
laughter and joy and love..a place where I felt accepted ....a place to be just me...
And yes ,the show is gone,but the friends .my three guys from canada ..are still there.
and,its so cool,we still email,I still call them..I still ..smile,...this is real,genuine friendship.
and thats what life is about ..having fun,making new friends,and just enjoy each day as it comes..And,yes ,I am not as nervous ,as scared ,as I once was...but,there are times when
sadness just creeps on in...but ,now ,I wont allow it to grow in my soul,in my spirit and ,
in my heart.
Depression,it is so ,so, so,hard to heal...and I have issues ,which still arent resolved
and I am not too sure they will ever be.Such as my dad ,although I know everything he did
to me was totally horrific...but ,there is a part of me deep inside ..that inner child in me ..
who still wishes it all didnt happen.I wish,the child wishes that she could have a dad
who wasnt mean or drunk or an abuser...
All ,this crap and garbage that is in my head ,the paronia ,the lack of trust,the low self esteem anxiety....DAD DAD DAD !!!!! Y es ,i just cant seem to get over it.I mean,wow.I really
shouldnt have cried to ryan and ....told him all the stuff I did, especially ,I want to kill myself.
Wow,that was way to wrong to do to anyone...But,especially to a guy..I hardly know..
wow ,I was just ...sooo sad,,,,I was sinking so fast...i had no more life perserve...the water
was up to my chin...
I guess ,no one can understand your pain ,your hurt,your...desperate attempt to end it all
because,you just cant..cant take the pain...you know that with death ..you will be at peace..or will you be? If you were raised a christian....commiting suicide is a big sin...
But,I ask .why?and so ,all this religious beliefs you were brainwashed to believe is haunting you now !!!!! And now what? At this point..nothing matters you see no othere choice..
no one else matters, not your spouse your parents your children your friends your co workers
NO ONE NO ONE MATTERS.Just you ...just you..You dont think of people feelings,,
No one will miss me ,no one really cares..sure ,tell everyone you wanna die...Sure ,that will do
wonders for them..NOT...I was that person ..crying ...sad ,telling them ,no one will miss me,
no one will shed a year..they dont love me..no body cares,,,,and...you think..ok.i am ready lets do it..suddenly you stop...you chicken out...and you think how...much of a weakling are you?
But,in one fleeting moment,you hear that voice telling me..please dont kill your self...we all love you...we will all miss you....and we all shed a tear...And...I thank ...Ryan...for saving my life
without him ...I would be dead.....yes ,ryan ,you know how to save a life...
And..this is what true friends do...they are there for you...thankx ryan ,for being there.
And,alsothank,the other to guys from canada ron and jason..they too,were there for me as
well.....
remember that love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out
things we talked about ..and for chatting with the regulars..it was so ...magical....
we all grew to love each other..I miss the singing and just all..the insaneness about it..
their laughs their singing just who they were....it was a place I could go to ,...where there was
laughter and joy and love..a place where I felt accepted ....a place to be just me...
And yes ,the show is gone,but the friends .my three guys from canada ..are still there.
and,its so cool,we still email,I still call them..I still ..smile,...this is real,genuine friendship.
and thats what life is about ..having fun,making new friends,and just enjoy each day as it comes..And,yes ,I am not as nervous ,as scared ,as I once was...but,there are times when
sadness just creeps on in...but ,now ,I wont allow it to grow in my soul,in my spirit and ,
in my heart.
Depression,it is so ,so, so,hard to heal...and I have issues ,which still arent resolved
and I am not too sure they will ever be.Such as my dad ,although I know everything he did
to me was totally horrific...but ,there is a part of me deep inside ..that inner child in me ..
who still wishes it all didnt happen.I wish,the child wishes that she could have a dad
who wasnt mean or drunk or an abuser...
All ,this crap and garbage that is in my head ,the paronia ,the lack of trust,the low self esteem anxiety....DAD DAD DAD !!!!! Y es ,i just cant seem to get over it.I mean,wow.I really
shouldnt have cried to ryan and ....told him all the stuff I did, especially ,I want to kill myself.
Wow,that was way to wrong to do to anyone...But,especially to a guy..I hardly know..
wow ,I was just ...sooo sad,,,,I was sinking so fast...i had no more life perserve...the water
was up to my chin...
I guess ,no one can understand your pain ,your hurt,your...desperate attempt to end it all
because,you just cant..cant take the pain...you know that with death ..you will be at peace..or will you be? If you were raised a christian....commiting suicide is a big sin...
But,I ask .why?and so ,all this religious beliefs you were brainwashed to believe is haunting you now !!!!! And now what? At this point..nothing matters you see no othere choice..
no one else matters, not your spouse your parents your children your friends your co workers
NO ONE NO ONE MATTERS.Just you ...just you..You dont think of people feelings,,
No one will miss me ,no one really cares..sure ,tell everyone you wanna die...Sure ,that will do
wonders for them..NOT...I was that person ..crying ...sad ,telling them ,no one will miss me,
no one will shed a year..they dont love me..no body cares,,,,and...you think..ok.i am ready lets do it..suddenly you stop...you chicken out...and you think how...much of a weakling are you?
But,in one fleeting moment,you hear that voice telling me..please dont kill your self...we all love you...we will all miss you....and we all shed a tear...And...I thank ...Ryan...for saving my life
without him ...I would be dead.....yes ,ryan ,you know how to save a life...
And..this is what true friends do...they are there for you...thankx ryan ,for being there.
And,alsothank,the other to guys from canada ron and jason..they too,were there for me as
well.....
remember that love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
three guys from canada
Yes,I have often mentioned these guys from canada.Although,I have only known them for about six months,I truly have a really great friendship with all of them.A friendship in which I love
them dearly....And after they said they had to stop running lol shows I was devastated....like the
rug was pulled from under me...like there was this hole in my heart...sad ..just sad....
I just was numb.....i truly enjoyed them ,they were funny,crazy ,goofy guys....just down to earth
....and ..i was just so sad.....i thought ohhhh nooooo another lost in my life.....it felt like a horrible
death...and ...I went down the dark tunnel...stayed in my room and did nothing at all ,all day
......I just .....just lost my best friends....They were my salvation..they were ....my heros in a way
.....they literally saved my life...and they ...are gone,,,OMG.....what will I do...I felt....
like....i couldnt go on without them...and yes...I became too dependant on them...I realize that....
I have not trully ..totally healed from my depression. but ...I can not allow my happiness
to come from other people ..
wow....I am so glad to have met these guys.....I cant express how much I love them..
its a love you feel for your friends..they are easy to talk to..they are fun....sometimes I do feel
sad cause I really wish I could just see them ..and give them a big hug..a kiss on a cheek
share a nice bottle of wine..and just act crazy and laugh and laugh ....
Friendships are so wonderful...so wonderful...and the best thing about them..
they except me for me...they try to understand my depression....they care about me and they help me, they listen to me....
and I thank GOD for sending them into my life....and I know one day...we will have that chance to get together...and I dont even feel like they are in canada...wow....
I ......feel good thinking about them and guide has said....while back ..he doesnt love me...
..and its all good.....but he is young...but.. its ok....
And......it was destiny ,,to meet them..it was fate.they came in my life 3 years after katrina
....yes ,that was a long time...but I was still dealing with depression...it was still hard to
to stop all this anxiety ,stop my sadness....and..when they entered my life...
I became less anxious..they provided joy,they put laughter back in my heart and a smile on my face..
....And, at this time I want to thank these guys: RON,JASON,AND RYAN ....my heroes
.....my dear friends.......thanks guys and GOD BLESS YOU
remember the love you take is eqaul to the love you make
peace out
them dearly....And after they said they had to stop running lol shows I was devastated....like the
rug was pulled from under me...like there was this hole in my heart...sad ..just sad....
I just was numb.....i truly enjoyed them ,they were funny,crazy ,goofy guys....just down to earth
....and ..i was just so sad.....i thought ohhhh nooooo another lost in my life.....it felt like a horrible
death...and ...I went down the dark tunnel...stayed in my room and did nothing at all ,all day
......I just .....just lost my best friends....They were my salvation..they were ....my heros in a way
.....they literally saved my life...and they ...are gone,,,OMG.....what will I do...I felt....
like....i couldnt go on without them...and yes...I became too dependant on them...I realize that....
I have not trully ..totally healed from my depression. but ...I can not allow my happiness
to come from other people ..
wow....I am so glad to have met these guys.....I cant express how much I love them..
its a love you feel for your friends..they are easy to talk to..they are fun....sometimes I do feel
sad cause I really wish I could just see them ..and give them a big hug..a kiss on a cheek
share a nice bottle of wine..and just act crazy and laugh and laugh ....
Friendships are so wonderful...so wonderful...and the best thing about them..
they except me for me...they try to understand my depression....they care about me and they help me, they listen to me....
and I thank GOD for sending them into my life....and I know one day...we will have that chance to get together...and I dont even feel like they are in canada...wow....
I ......feel good thinking about them and guide has said....while back ..he doesnt love me...
..and its all good.....but he is young...but.. its ok....
And......it was destiny ,,to meet them..it was fate.they came in my life 3 years after katrina
....yes ,that was a long time...but I was still dealing with depression...it was still hard to
to stop all this anxiety ,stop my sadness....and..when they entered my life...
I became less anxious..they provided joy,they put laughter back in my heart and a smile on my face..
....And, at this time I want to thank these guys: RON,JASON,AND RYAN ....my heroes
.....my dear friends.......thanks guys and GOD BLESS YOU
remember the love you take is eqaul to the love you make
peace out
Monday, September 22, 2008
goodbye lol
Yes talking dog tv and lol has now gone.::( ,...will miss them..all three of them...they have been
there for me ..my support...they have shown me caring,love and so much compassion.
If not for these 3 guys from canada,...I would not be alive today....Ryan ..has been there for me during my darkest hours..and...he does know how to save a life...and its so so special....ryans
friendship....cause ..hes in canada,,,,,thats like awesome..international friends,...yes,other people
from other countries.....yes it is special..
And,I ,he is a dear friend a true friend.....and I know he doesnt like me saying this ..but I love him dearly...
and so do I with ron and jason..these 2 guys have been there for me ,talked to me, listened to me put up with me,and yes ,they too have saved my life..All three have pulled me out of my deep hole ,that dark tunnel of depression.They all stood by me,never abandoned me...and most important ,accepted me for me...
Sure ,were some rough times,but all good relationships do....but,they still stayed by my side.....were there for me,cared for me,and i thank GOD ,they did.These are wonderful people.The kinda friends that you want by your side...
And so the show is gone,there will always be the friendships...I am now feeling better
about myself,,,i now have realized my purpose in life,,,a meaning in life...
the hurricane...it ...has...been so hard,,,i thought my life was meaning less ...I could never
go back to my carreer.I thought I was failure,cause i couoldnt work,,,,
..the memories the trauma of the entire event..will always be there..and sometimes I might
fall.....but,,,,it doesnt mean ..i must,,,stay there in the past,,doesnt mean i am not worth anything
cause i dont work.....I CAN DO SO,MANY WONDERFUL things....
and again I thank ryan ,ron ,jason for being there..when i needed them
I will miss the shows ...but what is more important is.....their frendship ...our friendship
......that my friend can never be taken away from me
remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out
there for me ..my support...they have shown me caring,love and so much compassion.
If not for these 3 guys from canada,...I would not be alive today....Ryan ..has been there for me during my darkest hours..and...he does know how to save a life...and its so so special....ryans
friendship....cause ..hes in canada,,,,,thats like awesome..international friends,...yes,other people
from other countries.....yes it is special..
And,I ,he is a dear friend a true friend.....and I know he doesnt like me saying this ..but I love him dearly...
and so do I with ron and jason..these 2 guys have been there for me ,talked to me, listened to me put up with me,and yes ,they too have saved my life..All three have pulled me out of my deep hole ,that dark tunnel of depression.They all stood by me,never abandoned me...and most important ,accepted me for me...
Sure ,were some rough times,but all good relationships do....but,they still stayed by my side.....were there for me,cared for me,and i thank GOD ,they did.These are wonderful people.The kinda friends that you want by your side...
And so the show is gone,there will always be the friendships...I am now feeling better
about myself,,,i now have realized my purpose in life,,,a meaning in life...
the hurricane...it ...has...been so hard,,,i thought my life was meaning less ...I could never
go back to my carreer.I thought I was failure,cause i couoldnt work,,,,
..the memories the trauma of the entire event..will always be there..and sometimes I might
fall.....but,,,,it doesnt mean ..i must,,,stay there in the past,,doesnt mean i am not worth anything
cause i dont work.....I CAN DO SO,MANY WONDERFUL things....
and again I thank ryan ,ron ,jason for being there..when i needed them
I will miss the shows ...but what is more important is.....their frendship ...our friendship
......that my friend can never be taken away from me
remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
hurricane gustav
The hurricane gustav,spared new orleans....no floods,but,other parishes had major damage.And,
should I feel relieved at nawlins being spared...I feel blessed we ,my family has electricity ,water
internet and cable.Yet,others dont.We fled to alabama.....no ..signs of gustav...but ..i was just so damn scared....memories coming back...of katrina.....what is going to happen to our house ...
The entire southern part of louisiana ...SCARED.....hell,its only been 3 yrs....Why..Why Why????
does this have to be?
people , lives,again will be.....turned upside down.....trees all on our yard.....OMG....
But..my freinds call me to offer their homes to me..and ...thats what freinds are for.
...others ,new freinds ...offer kind words..show concern.....care...pray......tell you stay strong
...I feel so blessed to have such awseome freinds....
But,their is another one out there ......does this ever end? Will this fear,sick ,feelings go away?
the winds blow and I just shudder..the..supressing heat..the smells.....all there ...
.....Is GOD telling us something?and we are just not listening.
two guys from canada have really been helpful......ron and ryan....
They are the best!!!! Ryan....Ron was worried about me......I just....am so
....blessed to have met them!!!! and....i love them dearly...
I am ....I feel....so much....happiness.....so m..much......love....for ..my fellow canadians
and ....that ...is .....that makes all....the differance.....and that makes .me feel.....alive..
GOD bless all ...I am so so so......grateful to be alive
and remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
should I feel relieved at nawlins being spared...I feel blessed we ,my family has electricity ,water
internet and cable.Yet,others dont.We fled to alabama.....no ..signs of gustav...but ..i was just so damn scared....memories coming back...of katrina.....what is going to happen to our house ...
The entire southern part of louisiana ...SCARED.....hell,its only been 3 yrs....Why..Why Why????
does this have to be?
people , lives,again will be.....turned upside down.....trees all on our yard.....OMG....
But..my freinds call me to offer their homes to me..and ...thats what freinds are for.
...others ,new freinds ...offer kind words..show concern.....care...pray......tell you stay strong
...I feel so blessed to have such awseome freinds....
But,their is another one out there ......does this ever end? Will this fear,sick ,feelings go away?
the winds blow and I just shudder..the..supressing heat..the smells.....all there ...
.....Is GOD telling us something?and we are just not listening.
two guys from canada have really been helpful......ron and ryan....
They are the best!!!! Ryan....Ron was worried about me......I just....am so
....blessed to have met them!!!! and....i love them dearly...
I am ....I feel....so much....happiness.....so m..much......love....for ..my fellow canadians
and ....that ...is .....that makes all....the differance.....and that makes .me feel.....alive..
GOD bless all ...I am so so so......grateful to be alive
and remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
Thursday, August 28, 2008
another hurricane
Omg another hurricane is out there ,and forcasts to hit nawlins ,OHHHHH NOOOO
I am freaked both my kids are freaked out...and to top that off,friday will mark the 3rd anniversary.Most people have just finished repairing their homes while still others are still not done.It is absolutly a night mare.My daughter is just so terrified and so am I buT I gotta stay strong for my kids.
this hurricane brings back ,jars those horrific memories,,,death,floods,destruction keep saying to myself,,,noooo not again not again it cant happen, nooooo
gotta stay away from the tv and newspaper....nooooo
I just gotta get a grip,,,and tackle this pailful emotions and take charge of my problems,
but please GOD dont do this again to us
and i will pray ,,,,
remember the love you take is equal to th elove you make
peace
I am freaked both my kids are freaked out...and to top that off,friday will mark the 3rd anniversary.Most people have just finished repairing their homes while still others are still not done.It is absolutly a night mare.My daughter is just so terrified and so am I buT I gotta stay strong for my kids.
this hurricane brings back ,jars those horrific memories,,,death,floods,destruction keep saying to myself,,,noooo not again not again it cant happen, nooooo
gotta stay away from the tv and newspaper....nooooo
I just gotta get a grip,,,and tackle this pailful emotions and take charge of my problems,
but please GOD dont do this again to us
and i will pray ,,,,
remember the love you take is equal to th elove you make
peace
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