Friday, June 12, 2009

it has been a long time since i have written in this blog,and so much has changed.
The most important change is .i am no longer communicating with ryan.Or ,should i say ,he no longer wishes to communicate with me.it is rather sad ,and ,i still attempt to email him,of coarse with no replies.What happened,is rather sad.
I got very ,very,very,sad and,i wanted ryan ,to just reply ,to tell me it would be ok.
But,of coarse ,he .didnt.And ,I got so ,so,so,upset with him.I got anxiuos ,terribly anxious,and feeling,that I just wanted to die.I had sent him an email telling him ,how would he feel if ,I die ,and he finds out,how would he feel.Well,he just went balistic on me.Cursing me sending an email saying dont fucking threaten me with your guilt trips of suicide thoughts.that i have no right to do that.
and then he said he didnt want to email me anymore.
I was devastated.i cried and cried and cried.m HE sent me one last email that
he didnt hate me but he wishes not to email me again.
I just just was so sad .after ,thinking about ryan ,and how ,i felt about him ,i realized,that ,i loved him,or had deep feelings for me.After ,much consideration
i decided to tell,ryan ,how i felt.He never replied to me about it,And I dont know how he felt about iy.I am assuming ,he is angry with me .But,I felt ,he needed to know.
my good friend els,told me,that ,ryan,probably was scared to death,terrified and had no clue how to handle my situatation.he is quite young,just turned 28 this april.
and ,imnow feel so guilty and ashamed for putting all this on ryan.but,i trusted him,i thought he cared about me.HE seemed to be a caring person ,when we first started emailing. but,i guess ,after awhile,it wears on him.
I STILL MISS HIM ,I KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN an was not good for MY HEART .I also told ryan this.
But,i just got so caught up with ,him,asking his opionions on my pics etc.
i respected his opionion,But ,he hated everything i did all my pics.That really hurt me.I took his judgement as gospel. I was wrong to do that.it saddened me,and ,we ,got into arguements off and on.
I discoveree that ryan was not that person i thought he was or rather i realized i placed him on this pedestal.And ,i allowed his opionions to get me upset.
he was more for him ,he enjoyed getting compliments and feedback,but,he never did that for me. He just was not t

h i am now trying to accept that ryan is not the matureperson and caring person i thought he was.and that is sad.
I do miss him ,and ,i still do and always will have feelings for him. but ,he cant make me happy.

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