it has been a long time since i have written in this blog,and so much has changed.
The most important change is .i am no longer communicating with ryan.Or ,should i say ,he no longer wishes to communicate with me.it is rather sad ,and ,i still attempt to email him,of coarse with no replies.What happened,is rather sad.
I got very ,very,very,sad and,i wanted ryan ,to just reply ,to tell me it would be ok.
But,of coarse ,he .didnt.And ,I got so ,so,so,upset with him.I got anxiuos ,terribly anxious,and feeling,that I just wanted to die.I had sent him an email telling him ,how would he feel if ,I die ,and he finds out,how would he feel.Well,he just went balistic on me.Cursing me sending an email saying dont fucking threaten me with your guilt trips of suicide thoughts.that i have no right to do that.
and then he said he didnt want to email me anymore.
I was devastated.i cried and cried and cried.m HE sent me one last email that
he didnt hate me but he wishes not to email me again.
I just just was so sad .after ,thinking about ryan ,and how ,i felt about him ,i realized,that ,i loved him,or had deep feelings for me.After ,much consideration
i decided to tell,ryan ,how i felt.He never replied to me about it,And I dont know how he felt about iy.I am assuming ,he is angry with me .But,I felt ,he needed to know.
my good friend els,told me,that ,ryan,probably was scared to death,terrified and had no clue how to handle my situatation.he is quite young,just turned 28 this april.
and ,imnow feel so guilty and ashamed for putting all this on ryan.but,i trusted him,i thought he cared about me.HE seemed to be a caring person ,when we first started emailing. but,i guess ,after awhile,it wears on him.
I STILL MISS HIM ,I KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN an was not good for MY HEART .I also told ryan this.
But,i just got so caught up with ,him,asking his opionions on my pics etc.
i respected his opionion,But ,he hated everything i did all my pics.That really hurt me.I took his judgement as gospel. I was wrong to do that.it saddened me,and ,we ,got into arguements off and on.
I discoveree that ryan was not that person i thought he was or rather i realized i placed him on this pedestal.And ,i allowed his opionions to get me upset.
he was more for him ,he enjoyed getting compliments and feedback,but,he never did that for me. He just was not t

h i am now trying to accept that ryan is not the matureperson and caring person i thought he was.and that is sad.
I do miss him ,and ,i still do and always will have feelings for him. but ,he cant make me happy.

2009

Here it goes another year ends and a new year begins.And ,am I a little wiser for it?
I certainly hope so.Even,though katrina happened almost 4 years ago.it still haunts me
and I still shudder every time it rains ,floods and the wind blows hard.I get sick to my
stomach when i smell wrenching garbage or even walk in dirty smelling bathroom stalls.
I sometimes see elder people and I think back to the elder patients that were stranded
in these horrible conditions in the hospitals during and after katrina.I remember their
fearful,frightened cries of help.And,I remember .me not emotionally able to help them
I was there ,in the stairwell huddled ,shaking ,not able to move .frozen at the steps.
there.during the raging ,powerful f orce of hurricane katrina .I was scared ,frightened,begging
God to save us.But,I needed to be strong,I was always strong,Not today ,not now,What
about the patients ,who was there for them.I was weak,I was ashamed that I could not
be there for them.I felt like a coward,

Hurricane katrina was....a power so strong it destroyed peoples homes,peoples communities
It RIPPED APART everthing in its path.But most important it destroyed lives.
famlies ,it was so damn horrible.

ok ,,,,but it is over....now ..imust move on...but I must never ever forget

nawl

report on ptsd

http://www.psychiatricannalsonline.com/showPdf.asp?rID=26329



excellant report on survivors of katrina with ptsd

2009

WOW,ANOTHER YEAR!!! And I made it thru without too many incidents,bad incidents.
Yes,there were still said some bumps,some ,heartaches,some ,compulsive,obseesive
episodes,some depressive episodes .some losses.a loss of one of my oldest
bestdearest friend ,ruth.And ,the pain often so unbearable.The loss of the lol ron show.That too was very sad.BUT,I worked my way thru it.I still keep in touch
with ron,He is such a wonderful wonderful person.He is the wise one.He understands
me and he cares ,truly cares.And,that feels so good.
And ,with the new year i am trying to make an active effort to be more understanding,less compulsive,more respectful of peoples feelings.I know sometimes
I get ,I go off the deep end ,and i just kinda freak out.I will try
to chill out more.I know that my canadian friends would really appreciate that.
i do get off the deep end a lot with ryan.Poor guy ,he gets the worst from me,when
I upset,aqnd he tries to be cool about it.Poor guy ,poor guy.
anyway, I WILL TRY to get better.
so ,guys,hopefully you will see a new me:;)



peace
nawl

WOW XMAS

wow Iam so not knowing where has all the time gone too?
This is by far my besetest xmas ever,I think,for the first time,I am living for today,not for the past,or the future,but living for today.I feel ,my head is way above water and I am standing
tall,It could not have been done alone,not with the help of my freinds.They ,are ,were there for me. They stayed around,their arms wide open,an available shoulder to cry on.They were silent when i needed just someone to hold me and they were there to listen and ,yes they were there
when I was a total emotional wreck.They believed in me ,even if I didnot.
They were and are so much a part of my life,and will always continue to be my freinds.
And ,Xmas, is a time for freinds and freindships.For true freindships can never be broken
.true freinds are loveand that is the only presant i ask is freindship.
peace

WOW XMAS