LIFE WITHOUT LOL

Well,its been almost a week and a half...since no lol::::( ...it is sad.. for the loss ...of the crazy
things we talked about ..and for chatting with the regulars..it was so ...magical....
we all grew to love each other..I miss the singing and just all..the insaneness about it..
their laughs their singing just who they were....it was a place I could go to ,...where there was
laughter and joy and love..a place where I felt accepted ....a place to be just me...
And yes ,the show is gone,but the friends .my three guys from canada ..are still there.
and,its so cool,we still email,I still call them..I still ..smile,...this is real,genuine friendship.
and thats what life is about ..having fun,making new friends,and just enjoy each day as it comes..And,yes ,I am not as nervous ,as scared ,as I once was...but,there are times when
sadness just creeps on in...but ,now ,I wont allow it to grow in my soul,in my spirit and ,
in my heart.
Depression,it is so ,so, so,hard to heal...and I have issues ,which still arent resolved
and I am not too sure they will ever be.Such as my dad ,although I know everything he did
to me was totally horrific...but ,there is a part of me deep inside ..that inner child in me ..
who still wishes it all didnt happen.I wish,the child wishes that she could have a dad
who wasnt mean or drunk or an abuser...
All ,this crap and garbage that is in my head ,the paronia ,the lack of trust,the low self esteem anxiety....DAD DAD DAD !!!!! Y es ,i just cant seem to get over it.I mean,wow.I really
shouldnt have cried to ryan and ....told him all the stuff I did, especially ,I want to kill myself.
Wow,that was way to wrong to do to anyone...But,especially to a guy..I hardly know..
wow ,I was just ...sooo sad,,,,I was sinking so fast...i had no more life perserve...the water
was up to my chin...
I guess ,no one can understand your pain ,your hurt,your...desperate attempt to end it all
because,you just cant..cant take the pain...you know that with death ..you will be at peace..or will you be? If you were raised a christian....commiting suicide is a big sin...
But,I ask .why?and so ,all this religious beliefs you were brainwashed to believe is haunting you now !!!!! And now what? At this point..nothing matters you see no othere choice..
no one else matters, not your spouse your parents your children your friends your co workers
NO ONE NO ONE MATTERS.Just you ...just you..You dont think of people feelings,,
No one will miss me ,no one really cares..sure ,tell everyone you wanna die...Sure ,that will do
wonders for them..NOT...I was that person ..crying ...sad ,telling them ,no one will miss me,
no one will shed a year..they dont love me..no body cares,,,,and...you think..ok.i am ready lets do it..suddenly you stop...you chicken out...and you think how...much of a weakling are you?
But,in one fleeting moment,you hear that voice telling me..please dont kill your self...we all love you...we will all miss you....and we all shed a tear...And...I thank ...Ryan...for saving my life
without him ...I would be dead.....yes ,ryan ,you know how to save a life...
And..this is what true friends do...they are there for you...thankx ryan ,for being there.
And,alsothank,the other to guys from canada ron and jason..they too,were there for me as
well.....
remember that love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out

three guys from canada

Yes,I have often mentioned these guys from canada.Although,I have only known them for about six months,I truly have a really great friendship with all of them.A friendship in which I love
them dearly....And after they said they had to stop running lol shows I was devastated....like the
rug was pulled from under me...like there was this hole in my heart...sad ..just sad....
I just was numb.....i truly enjoyed them ,they were funny,crazy ,goofy guys....just down to earth
....and ..i was just so sad.....i thought ohhhh nooooo another lost in my life.....it felt like a horrible
death...and ...I went down the dark tunnel...stayed in my room and did nothing at all ,all day
......I just .....just lost my best friends....They were my salvation..they were ....my heros in a way
.....they literally saved my life...and they ...are gone,,,OMG.....what will I do...I felt....
like....i couldnt go on without them...and yes...I became too dependant on them...I realize that....
I have not trully ..totally healed from my depression. but ...I can not allow my happiness
to come from other people ..
wow....I am so glad to have met these guys.....I cant express how much I love them..
its a love you feel for your friends..they are easy to talk to..they are fun....sometimes I do feel
sad cause I really wish I could just see them ..and give them a big hug..a kiss on a cheek
share a nice bottle of wine..and just act crazy and laugh and laugh ....
Friendships are so wonderful...so wonderful...and the best thing about them..
they except me for me...they try to understand my depression....they care about me and they help me, they listen to me....
and I thank GOD for sending them into my life....and I know one day...we will have that chance to get together...and I dont even feel like they are in canada...wow....
I ......feel good thinking about them and guide has said....while back ..he doesnt love me...
..and its all good.....but he is young...but.. its ok....
And......it was destiny ,,to meet them..it was fate.they came in my life 3 years after katrina
....yes ,that was a long time...but I was still dealing with depression...it was still hard to
to stop all this anxiety ,stop my sadness....and..when they entered my life...
I became less anxious..they provided joy,they put laughter back in my heart and a smile on my face..
....And, at this time I want to thank these guys: RON,JASON,AND RYAN ....my heroes
.....my dear friends.......thanks guys and GOD BLESS YOU

remember the love you take is eqaul to the love you make

peace out

goodbye lol

Yes talking dog tv and lol has now gone.::( ,...will miss them..all three of them...they have been
there for me ..my support...they have shown me caring,love and so much compassion.
If not for these 3 guys from canada,...I would not be alive today....Ryan ..has been there for me during my darkest hours..and...he does know how to save a life...and its so so special....ryans
friendship....cause ..hes in canada,,,,,thats like awesome..international friends,...yes,other people
from other countries.....yes it is special..
And,I ,he is a dear friend a true friend.....and I know he doesnt like me saying this ..but I love him dearly...
and so do I with ron and jason..these 2 guys have been there for me ,talked to me, listened to me put up with me,and yes ,they too have saved my life..All three have pulled me out of my deep hole ,that dark tunnel of depression.They all stood by me,never abandoned me...and most important ,accepted me for me...
Sure ,were some rough times,but all good relationships do....but,they still stayed by my side.....were there for me,cared for me,and i thank GOD ,they did.These are wonderful people.The kinda friends that you want by your side...
And so the show is gone,there will always be the friendships...I am now feeling better
about myself,,,i now have realized my purpose in life,,,a meaning in life...
the hurricane...it ...has...been so hard,,,i thought my life was meaning less ...I could never
go back to my carreer.I thought I was failure,cause i couoldnt work,,,,
..the memories the trauma of the entire event..will always be there..and sometimes I might
fall.....but,,,,it doesnt mean ..i must,,,stay there in the past,,doesnt mean i am not worth anything
cause i dont work.....I CAN DO SO,MANY WONDERFUL things....
and again I thank ryan ,ron ,jason for being there..when i needed them
I will miss the shows ...but what is more important is.....their frendship ...our friendship
......that my friend can never be taken away from me

remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out

freindship

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtwGyxzxBDg

hurricane gustav

The hurricane gustav,spared new orleans....no floods,but,other parishes had major damage.And,
should I feel relieved at nawlins being spared...I feel blessed we ,my family has electricity ,water
internet and cable.Yet,others dont.We fled to alabama.....no ..signs of gustav...but ..i was just so damn scared....memories coming back...of katrina.....what is going to happen to our house ...
The entire southern part of louisiana ...SCARED.....hell,its only been 3 yrs....Why..Why Why????
does this have to be?
people , lives,again will be.....turned upside down.....trees all on our yard.....OMG....
But..my freinds call me to offer their homes to me..and ...thats what freinds are for.
...others ,new freinds ...offer kind words..show concern.....care...pray......tell you stay strong
...I feel so blessed to have such awseome freinds....
But,their is another one out there ......does this ever end? Will this fear,sick ,feelings go away?
the winds blow and I just shudder..the..supressing heat..the smells.....all there ...
.....Is GOD telling us something?and we are just not listening.
two guys from canada have really been helpful......ron and ryan....
They are the best!!!! Ryan....Ron was worried about me......I just....am so
....blessed to have met them!!!! and....i love them dearly...
I am ....I feel....so much....happiness.....so m..much......love....for ..my fellow canadians
and ....that ...is .....that makes all....the differance.....and that makes .me feel.....alive..
GOD bless all ...I am so so so......grateful to be alive
and remember the love you take is equal to the love you make