LIFE WITHOUT LOL

Well,its been almost a week and a half...since no lol::::( ...it is sad.. for the loss ...of the crazy
things we talked about ..and for chatting with the regulars..it was so ...magical....
we all grew to love each other..I miss the singing and just all..the insaneness about it..
their laughs their singing just who they were....it was a place I could go to ,...where there was
laughter and joy and love..a place where I felt accepted ....a place to be just me...
And yes ,the show is gone,but the friends .my three guys from canada ..are still there.
and,its so cool,we still email,I still call them..I still ..smile,...this is real,genuine friendship.
and thats what life is about ..having fun,making new friends,and just enjoy each day as it comes..And,yes ,I am not as nervous ,as scared ,as I once was...but,there are times when
sadness just creeps on in...but ,now ,I wont allow it to grow in my soul,in my spirit and ,
in my heart.
Depression,it is so ,so, so,hard to heal...and I have issues ,which still arent resolved
and I am not too sure they will ever be.Such as my dad ,although I know everything he did
to me was totally horrific...but ,there is a part of me deep inside ..that inner child in me ..
who still wishes it all didnt happen.I wish,the child wishes that she could have a dad
who wasnt mean or drunk or an abuser...
All ,this crap and garbage that is in my head ,the paronia ,the lack of trust,the low self esteem anxiety....DAD DAD DAD !!!!! Y es ,i just cant seem to get over it.I mean,wow.I really
shouldnt have cried to ryan and ....told him all the stuff I did, especially ,I want to kill myself.
Wow,that was way to wrong to do to anyone...But,especially to a guy..I hardly know..
wow ,I was just ...sooo sad,,,,I was sinking so fast...i had no more life perserve...the water
was up to my chin...
I guess ,no one can understand your pain ,your hurt,your...desperate attempt to end it all
because,you just cant..cant take the pain...you know that with death ..you will be at peace..or will you be? If you were raised a christian....commiting suicide is a big sin...
But,I ask .why?and so ,all this religious beliefs you were brainwashed to believe is haunting you now !!!!! And now what? At this point..nothing matters you see no othere choice..
no one else matters, not your spouse your parents your children your friends your co workers
NO ONE NO ONE MATTERS.Just you ...just you..You dont think of people feelings,,
No one will miss me ,no one really cares..sure ,tell everyone you wanna die...Sure ,that will do
wonders for them..NOT...I was that person ..crying ...sad ,telling them ,no one will miss me,
no one will shed a year..they dont love me..no body cares,,,,and...you think..ok.i am ready lets do it..suddenly you stop...you chicken out...and you think how...much of a weakling are you?
But,in one fleeting moment,you hear that voice telling me..please dont kill your self...we all love you...we will all miss you....and we all shed a tear...And...I thank ...Ryan...for saving my life
without him ...I would be dead.....yes ,ryan ,you know how to save a life...
And..this is what true friends do...they are there for you...thankx ryan ,for being there.
And,alsothank,the other to guys from canada ron and jason..they too,were there for me as
well.....
remember that love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out