WOW XMAS

wow Iam so not knowing where has all the time gone too?
This is by far my besetest xmas ever,I think,for the first time,I am living for today,not for the past,or the future,but living for today.I feel ,my head is way above water and I am standing
tall,It could not have been done alone,not with the help of my freinds.They ,are ,were there for me. They stayed around,their arms wide open,an available shoulder to cry on.They were silent when i needed just someone to hold me and they were there to listen and ,yes they were there
when I was a total emotional wreck.They believed in me ,even if I didnot.
They were and are so much a part of my life,and will always continue to be my freinds.
And ,Xmas, is a time for freinds and freindships.For true freindships can never be broken
.true freinds are loveand that is the only presant i ask is freindship.
peace

WOW XMAS

WOW XMAS

W

RON I MISS YOU

Well,it has been almost 3 months since lol vit von ended ,and I guess,I just spent so much time in denial.I just thought,he will come back,he has to ,what will I do to fill this void that is in my heart?You,know since ron left,I was sad so sad,and I just wanted him back on air.He was just that type of person,who everyone loved ,and no one hated.He was funny,kind,sweet.and at times downright LOONEY,Isay that in a good way.he had one show ,the nutsack show.it was so hysterical.
But as quick as he came into my laughless ,pittiful life,he was taken away from me.
How could I do without him?He was there for me,he was there to help me trough the rough spots of my life,and believe me,I had many.Sure ,there was ryan and jason,but Ron,he was the wise one,hell,he saved my life.
I only wish that Ron trully knows how much he meant to me,and how,his freindship will always be dear to him.I love him as a freind,and always will.
But,I am lucky,because ,some people never get to meet people as wonderful as ron,ever in their
life,and I guess,I was blessed to hav e him come into my life.Thanks Ron.you were and are my
angel.
Freinds are the best presants given to us,freindship is precious and beautiful and warm and fuzzy and just so darn great.I miss you Ron.I love you Ron,I will forever be thankful
for the time we shared.
peace
sue

this is so nice sweetttt

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sFcisgUvGo

merry xmas yall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtGF2m102Wg



this is for all my friends out there.This one is dedicated to RYAN

PEACE OUT

RYAN

I really dont where to begin or really how to say it.And if GOD for bid ,he read this..ahhh.
But,its nothing bad ,only good and sentimental.He is just a wonderful person ,a true friend,
and I trully love him ,as a friend,That is what he hates ,cause he tells me ,I dont love you,And,it
doesnt matter if he does or doesnt.He is from canada,and that is cool .but I often wish I
can just hug him ,and share a good bottle of wine ,and just laugh and talk for hours.Is that so
wrong?
There is something about him that I find so intriging,.What, I dont quite know,He is young,
amitious,fun,free spirited and just a great guy.Maybe ,he is what I wish I could be.His laugh
makes me just giggle inside,and when he sings,it just ,feels so good.I love his blue eyes and his smile ,just sweet and gentle and kind.He just is a caring young guy,And i just miss him.
I just love his music and he has introduced me to some different styles of music.And it
is so cool.At times ,he tells me things which I think are so hurtful ,but still very true.And,
I now realize by him being honest ,he trully is a good friend.
Sometimes I dont exactly know how to take him.He is quiet and shy,and he is so much like kevin.And yet,ryan,makes me feel young .And that feels so great.
I am glad he came into my life,Sometimes I guess I get obseesed with him and sending him emails,It is part of this damn ptsd and depression.And I love him ,but not like the love I have for kevin,
But,its such a unique freindship. He is great and ,even though he is young, he is often there to
give me hope and to send wonderful songs for me to listen too.OMG I hope he doesnt ever see this.I really dont want him to freak out. I am ,I guessed kinda confused with my feelings with him.Hmmmm,
Life is just so confusing ,especially after Katrina.My mind,at times thinks these wierd things.
paronoid,sometimes I think Ryan hates me ,and then i freak out,No,I cant have him be mad at him then,here comes the emails and then more paronoid thoughts and more emails,Then,
does he hate me .Such a vicious cycle.
I just think ryan is the best.Well,when I was a teen,most of my pals were guys.Wow.
Anyway,I am glad I met Ryan/

Remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
yt
him to freak ou

great song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNYQwZDcf1E

LIFE WITHOUT LOL

Well,its been almost a week and a half...since no lol::::( ...it is sad.. for the loss ...of the crazy
things we talked about ..and for chatting with the regulars..it was so ...magical....
we all grew to love each other..I miss the singing and just all..the insaneness about it..
their laughs their singing just who they were....it was a place I could go to ,...where there was
laughter and joy and love..a place where I felt accepted ....a place to be just me...
And yes ,the show is gone,but the friends .my three guys from canada ..are still there.
and,its so cool,we still email,I still call them..I still ..smile,...this is real,genuine friendship.
and thats what life is about ..having fun,making new friends,and just enjoy each day as it comes..And,yes ,I am not as nervous ,as scared ,as I once was...but,there are times when
sadness just creeps on in...but ,now ,I wont allow it to grow in my soul,in my spirit and ,
in my heart.
Depression,it is so ,so, so,hard to heal...and I have issues ,which still arent resolved
and I am not too sure they will ever be.Such as my dad ,although I know everything he did
to me was totally horrific...but ,there is a part of me deep inside ..that inner child in me ..
who still wishes it all didnt happen.I wish,the child wishes that she could have a dad
who wasnt mean or drunk or an abuser...
All ,this crap and garbage that is in my head ,the paronia ,the lack of trust,the low self esteem anxiety....DAD DAD DAD !!!!! Y es ,i just cant seem to get over it.I mean,wow.I really
shouldnt have cried to ryan and ....told him all the stuff I did, especially ,I want to kill myself.
Wow,that was way to wrong to do to anyone...But,especially to a guy..I hardly know..
wow ,I was just ...sooo sad,,,,I was sinking so fast...i had no more life perserve...the water
was up to my chin...
I guess ,no one can understand your pain ,your hurt,your...desperate attempt to end it all
because,you just cant..cant take the pain...you know that with death ..you will be at peace..or will you be? If you were raised a christian....commiting suicide is a big sin...
But,I ask .why?and so ,all this religious beliefs you were brainwashed to believe is haunting you now !!!!! And now what? At this point..nothing matters you see no othere choice..
no one else matters, not your spouse your parents your children your friends your co workers
NO ONE NO ONE MATTERS.Just you ...just you..You dont think of people feelings,,
No one will miss me ,no one really cares..sure ,tell everyone you wanna die...Sure ,that will do
wonders for them..NOT...I was that person ..crying ...sad ,telling them ,no one will miss me,
no one will shed a year..they dont love me..no body cares,,,,and...you think..ok.i am ready lets do it..suddenly you stop...you chicken out...and you think how...much of a weakling are you?
But,in one fleeting moment,you hear that voice telling me..please dont kill your self...we all love you...we will all miss you....and we all shed a tear...And...I thank ...Ryan...for saving my life
without him ...I would be dead.....yes ,ryan ,you know how to save a life...
And..this is what true friends do...they are there for you...thankx ryan ,for being there.
And,alsothank,the other to guys from canada ron and jason..they too,were there for me as
well.....
remember that love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out

three guys from canada

Yes,I have often mentioned these guys from canada.Although,I have only known them for about six months,I truly have a really great friendship with all of them.A friendship in which I love
them dearly....And after they said they had to stop running lol shows I was devastated....like the
rug was pulled from under me...like there was this hole in my heart...sad ..just sad....
I just was numb.....i truly enjoyed them ,they were funny,crazy ,goofy guys....just down to earth
....and ..i was just so sad.....i thought ohhhh nooooo another lost in my life.....it felt like a horrible
death...and ...I went down the dark tunnel...stayed in my room and did nothing at all ,all day
......I just .....just lost my best friends....They were my salvation..they were ....my heros in a way
.....they literally saved my life...and they ...are gone,,,OMG.....what will I do...I felt....
like....i couldnt go on without them...and yes...I became too dependant on them...I realize that....
I have not trully ..totally healed from my depression. but ...I can not allow my happiness
to come from other people ..
wow....I am so glad to have met these guys.....I cant express how much I love them..
its a love you feel for your friends..they are easy to talk to..they are fun....sometimes I do feel
sad cause I really wish I could just see them ..and give them a big hug..a kiss on a cheek
share a nice bottle of wine..and just act crazy and laugh and laugh ....
Friendships are so wonderful...so wonderful...and the best thing about them..
they except me for me...they try to understand my depression....they care about me and they help me, they listen to me....
and I thank GOD for sending them into my life....and I know one day...we will have that chance to get together...and I dont even feel like they are in canada...wow....
I ......feel good thinking about them and guide has said....while back ..he doesnt love me...
..and its all good.....but he is young...but.. its ok....
And......it was destiny ,,to meet them..it was fate.they came in my life 3 years after katrina
....yes ,that was a long time...but I was still dealing with depression...it was still hard to
to stop all this anxiety ,stop my sadness....and..when they entered my life...
I became less anxious..they provided joy,they put laughter back in my heart and a smile on my face..
....And, at this time I want to thank these guys: RON,JASON,AND RYAN ....my heroes
.....my dear friends.......thanks guys and GOD BLESS YOU

remember the love you take is eqaul to the love you make

peace out

goodbye lol

Yes talking dog tv and lol has now gone.::( ,...will miss them..all three of them...they have been
there for me ..my support...they have shown me caring,love and so much compassion.
If not for these 3 guys from canada,...I would not be alive today....Ryan ..has been there for me during my darkest hours..and...he does know how to save a life...and its so so special....ryans
friendship....cause ..hes in canada,,,,,thats like awesome..international friends,...yes,other people
from other countries.....yes it is special..
And,I ,he is a dear friend a true friend.....and I know he doesnt like me saying this ..but I love him dearly...
and so do I with ron and jason..these 2 guys have been there for me ,talked to me, listened to me put up with me,and yes ,they too have saved my life..All three have pulled me out of my deep hole ,that dark tunnel of depression.They all stood by me,never abandoned me...and most important ,accepted me for me...
Sure ,were some rough times,but all good relationships do....but,they still stayed by my side.....were there for me,cared for me,and i thank GOD ,they did.These are wonderful people.The kinda friends that you want by your side...
And so the show is gone,there will always be the friendships...I am now feeling better
about myself,,,i now have realized my purpose in life,,,a meaning in life...
the hurricane...it ...has...been so hard,,,i thought my life was meaning less ...I could never
go back to my carreer.I thought I was failure,cause i couoldnt work,,,,
..the memories the trauma of the entire event..will always be there..and sometimes I might
fall.....but,,,,it doesnt mean ..i must,,,stay there in the past,,doesnt mean i am not worth anything
cause i dont work.....I CAN DO SO,MANY WONDERFUL things....
and again I thank ryan ,ron ,jason for being there..when i needed them
I will miss the shows ...but what is more important is.....their frendship ...our friendship
......that my friend can never be taken away from me

remember the love you take is equal to the love you make
peace out

freindship

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtwGyxzxBDg

hurricane gustav

The hurricane gustav,spared new orleans....no floods,but,other parishes had major damage.And,
should I feel relieved at nawlins being spared...I feel blessed we ,my family has electricity ,water
internet and cable.Yet,others dont.We fled to alabama.....no ..signs of gustav...but ..i was just so damn scared....memories coming back...of katrina.....what is going to happen to our house ...
The entire southern part of louisiana ...SCARED.....hell,its only been 3 yrs....Why..Why Why????
does this have to be?
people , lives,again will be.....turned upside down.....trees all on our yard.....OMG....
But..my freinds call me to offer their homes to me..and ...thats what freinds are for.
...others ,new freinds ...offer kind words..show concern.....care...pray......tell you stay strong
...I feel so blessed to have such awseome freinds....
But,their is another one out there ......does this ever end? Will this fear,sick ,feelings go away?
the winds blow and I just shudder..the..supressing heat..the smells.....all there ...
.....Is GOD telling us something?and we are just not listening.
two guys from canada have really been helpful......ron and ryan....
They are the best!!!! Ryan....Ron was worried about me......I just....am so
....blessed to have met them!!!! and....i love them dearly...
I am ....I feel....so much....happiness.....so m..much......love....for ..my fellow canadians
and ....that ...is .....that makes all....the differance.....and that makes .me feel.....alive..
GOD bless all ...I am so so so......grateful to be alive
and remember the love you take is equal to the love you make

another hurricane

Omg another hurricane is out there ,and forcasts to hit nawlins ,OHHHHH NOOOO
I am freaked both my kids are freaked out...and to top that off,friday will mark the 3rd anniversary.Most people have just finished repairing their homes while still others are still not done.It is absolutly a night mare.My daughter is just so terrified and so am I buT I gotta stay strong for my kids.
this hurricane brings back ,jars those horrific memories,,,death,floods,destruction keep saying to myself,,,noooo not again not again it cant happen, nooooo
gotta stay away from the tv and newspaper....nooooo
I just gotta get a grip,,,and tackle this pailful emotions and take charge of my problems,
but please GOD dont do this again to us
and i will pray ,,,,
remember the love you take is equal to th elove you make
peace

NEW ORLEANS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRDCX_UjIbo YES I DO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO MISS NEW ORLEANS.THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL. THIS SONG .SAYS IT ALL
AND YES I DO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO MISS NEW ORLEANS.AND AFTER TH E DEVASTATION FROM KATRINA,YOU NOW HOLD ALL THE BEAUTIFUL SITES AND PLACES CLOSER AND DEARER TO YOUR HEART.YOU TREASURE EVERY MOMENT OF
BEING IN THE CITY ,SUCH AS CITY PARK AND ITS BIG BEATIFUL OAK TRESS,THE
LAKEFRONT AND SITTING ON THE SEAWALLS AND HEARING THE WAVES CRASH.GOING TO FRENCH QUARTER AND ADMIRING ALL THE ARTWORK AND THE ARTIST S,YOU ENJOY EVERY MORSEL OF BEIGNETS AND SIP THE DELICIOUS CAFE AU LAIT .THEN YOU MAY GO ENJOY SOME MUSIC AT PRESERVATION HALL.EVERY ONE SHOULD TAKE THEIR KIDS TO AUDOBON ZOO,OR CITY PARK TO RIDE THE ANTIQUE CAROUSAL.SO ,SO SO MANY THINGS TO DO .
THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS ITS JUST MAGICAL,CHARMING ,QAINT ,HISTORICAL CITY ,AND YES I DO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO MISS NEW ORLEANS
REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE
PEACE

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFruKvAq8PQ THIS IS A GOOD SONG TO PLAY WHEN YOU AREE DOWN PEACE

ENJOY WHAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER

Hey ya hey hello ah ..Guide its been long..a long time so I will write this letter and place it here for now:).Iwas just sitting outside , listening to the rain ,just soaking it all in.smelling the rain ,hearing the rain fall ,and felling the raindrops spray on my face.I always enjoyed the rain when I was a child.It felt so good running in the rain.But,here I am an adult.who is realizing that all these beautiful things in life are still out there to enjoy.But ,somehow,I lost that joy.And now,after much soul searching .I am gradually allowing myself to be ,to feel,to see,to smell,to hear,to taste,all those things life has to offer.
And,it had to take someone younger than myself,to make me realize this And Guide,I owe you my sanity.Yes ,you spoke the truth and I didnt realize it then.but I thank you for that.I apoligize
for putting that burden on you.I had no right to do so.It was too much for you to handle.So ,thank so very much for being there ,and speaking
Guide , hurricane katrina took away every ounce of fight I had in me .I was scared ,I was numb and I was an empty shell of a person. I had looked death face to face.I had no joy in me
no life in me no feelings. I walked in a daze for almost a year after the storm.I went in and out of these horrific flashbacks ,each one more vivid then the first,And ,, the nite terrors.Those too were unbearable,you live the hurricane over and over again.

So.my only hope was to be in my room .where it was safe .or so I thought.No light only darkness
And as each day passed,I was getting closer and closer reaching the end of the dark tunnel.
barely hanging on, I decided then,that this .was not living.that everyone would be better without me in their lives....That was what I was thinking,when I knew I had hurt you.
In my mind ,I just thought,,,,I knew i shouldnt have done all those things,the emails .the chat rooms the calls..but ,,at that point ,...I was slipping back,to how I was,in the begiining.
Some how ,I had fallen back into that deep dark hole.And ,it was so damn scary...It was anxiety
I was scared.my mind was just spinning ,I was having flashbacks and ..I just wanted ...it to end
And yes it was a cry for help ,a cry for someone ,anyone to just hear me.
At no time did I ever want to hurt you , Guide.That was never my intention ,never.I didnt mean to be rude or disrespecful.I was,just ,scared.and .I was .so scared to ,think that you may hate me.I didnt want you to hate me..I was.just sinking fast into the deep black hole.And I feklt no one was there to save me.I had hurt you terribly ,you,just ...and Now I had destroyed everyone
I felt like i destroy evry person i meet.And ,death was the only answer

......ok so here I am today ...better ....and ..I live for today the past is history and tomorrow
is the future.I again thank you for all that you have done for me.However,I will never say i am sorry for telling you I love .you..freinds is all ...that is how I feel ,so please just respect my feelings

remember the love you make is equal to the love you make
peace out



And every day.I was getting closer and closer to the end of that dark tunnel.

THE RIDE

TODAY WAS A NICE DAY WARM,BUT BREEZY,WE DECIDED TO TAKE A DRIVE TO THE LAKEFRONT IN NEW ORLEANS,WE DROVE TO THE LAKE,PASTS HOMES THAT WERE STILL ABANDONED,SOME THAT WERE BEING REPAIRED AND SOME THAT THE FOUNDATION WAS ALL THAT WAS LEFT,IT DOESNT HURT AS MUCH AS IT DID ,BUT IT STILL BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES.ALL THOSE SEAFOOD RESTAURANTS WE ATE AT ,ARE NO LONGER THERE .THEY WERE LITERALLY WASHED INTO THE LAKE DURING KATRINA,ITS SO SAD BECAUSE THOSE RESTAURANTS WERE NEAT CAUSE YOU COULD SIT IN THE RESTAURANT AND SEE BOATS ,YACHTS AND SHRIMP BOATS PASSING BY.
NOW ,ITS JUST NOTHING THERE.THE BOAT HOUSES ARE MOSTLY GONE.ITS JUST SO SO SO SAD.THIS WAS ..PART OF NAWLINS .EVEN THE LIGHT HOUSE IS GONE .THAT IS SO SAD.I CRY AND I JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND IN MY MIND I REMEMBER WHAT IT LOOKED BACK THEN.I FEEL SAD FOR THE CHILDREN GROWING UP,THEY WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THE LAKE LOOKED LIKE.ITS SAD SO SAD.
ITS 3YRS FRIDAY ,THAT THE DAMN KATIRNA CHANGED ALL OF OUR LIVES,IT DESTROYED OUR HOMES ,OUR LAKES AND THE PARKS ETC.THE WAVES WAS CRASHING OVER THE SEAWALL.AND I GOT SAD,AND I THINK OF THE KATRINA,
IT IS SAD BECAUSE WHEN ME AND MY HUSBAND DATED,WE BOTH ENJOYED GOING TO THE LAKE AND SIT ON THE SEAWALLS AND FEEL THE SALT AIR ON OUR FACES.
BUT....NOW ,THE SALT WATER ,BRINGS ONLY FEAR,,,AS THE MEMORIES OF KATRINA
JOGS INTO MY MIND.
KATRINA ,WAS SUCH A HORRIFIC DISASTER,THAT EFFECTED EVERYONE LIVES THEN AND WILL CONTINUE TO EFFECT OUR CHILDRENS LIVES.THE DAMAGE
TO OUR COMMUNINTY IS ENORMOUS AND IT TRIED TO BREAK US DOWN ,BUT
WE ARE STRONG.I WILL ,,,AM WORKING ON MY...PROBLEMS..EVERY DAY.
ITS ONE DAY A T A TIME
REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

FEELINGS NOTHONG MORE THAN FEELINGS

M y feelings get hurt so often, I dont know why that is or when it all started.and i often seek approval from every one as though I dont trust myself.Often ,people say things to me and I percieve it totally twisted or distorted.P erhaps becaause ,never in my life was i ever spoken a kind word from my parents.So ,I am always suspious of people,as though they cant possibly sayi something nice to me,But,then there are those peoplle ,who I confide in trust,and believe in.a few of those people will take what i said and then just throw them back at me/
like,I told my freinds I love them,and,I was quite sincere,but it only got thrown in my face by teling me I DONT LOVE YOU.Now,perhaps they dont but ,please respect my feeings,People say hurtful things to me ,and it just replays over and over in my mind...like an old movie...
and I cry,cause its so so so sad.I dont know if he meant it to be cruel or because he didnt know how ,
m to handle it
It is so hard to get to this point of trusting someone..and bam ,,it blows in yor face.
I am very sensetive.I keep laying in my mind I am not going to tollerate this ..you feel so disrespected,so ,beratated,so,such a fool.Why a fool ,because i am putting myself out there
with all thesse raw emotions...i just get slammed..
I keep saying ,no more I wont take it becaues ...you dont want to loose this freinship,cause you have lost so many before
Deep down inside,you kinda get how and why your freinds act this way.But ,still,it doesnt make it feel any better.Look at it their view,they are scared and worried and its too hard to handle,
so ,you just try to work out thingd on your own,,,,and it is real tough ,real so fu,,kin tough
remember the love you take is eqaul to the love you make....
peace

music makes me dance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXU8kCrRHJY so here I am,listening to the music of the police ,wow sting,a womans fantasy good voice and a good body.Y es,I am 50 but,hey I am not ...dead.You know ,I enjoy listening to this old music,hey ,but they still make me me want to get up and dance.T his music moves me ,it holds special memories for me.Its funny how certain songs brings back good memories ,like times making out witj guys ,some songs bring back moments when i cried over breakups.songs that you and your girlfriends danced to,that special song for ur boyfriend.
I can listen to them and just smile...it often brings back my sprits.It feels ..good and for that moment I am reliving my childhood my teen my adulthood... I wanta sing shout ..and say hey world i am back
and on guides show today...I felt so...happy...I enjoy making people happy.thats just the way I am ..and when guide had that shirt on...I just felt..good..good because I know it made guide happy.And GOD knows ,I put him through a lot ,way too much than he could handle.
he is a good guy..he is.true to himself....
.....but today ..I still feel .uneasy with him...just because of this..misunderstanding.,we had.
I dont know.....it is this weird ...connection I find with him....I think he represents my...youth
and somehow...I just relive my memories with him and the other 2 canadians.
It is so cool to watch them laugh,dance ,and just act silly..I dont know why, but it makes me smile.Its ..how I once was,silly .laughing joking and singing..that was before the katrina.
And to watch them and talk with them ..is the next best thing to being there.
I do get upset that I cant drink with them laugh with them,...hug them...its just so sad
and sadder still is,some of them dont understand how I could love them?T hey question me ...well.....I just have to...let that go
But ,I am happy ,and I want to live....and ,,its ...partly do to my canadian friends
and.. i do love them them...they hold a special spot in my heart....

remember the love you take is equal to the love you make

peace

life is good

TODAY ..WAS A GOOD DAY...IT WAS THE BEST I FELT IN AWHILE...LAUGHTER IS INDEED THE BEST MEDICINE...RONS SHOW WAS ...SO FUNNY...MANY OF THE REGULARS WERE BACK..AND YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE FOR EVER..IT IS SO COOL ..TO THINK THESE PEOPLE .THE VIEWERS IN THE CHAT..ARE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD....THE SHOW ITSELF IS BROADCASTED FROM CANADA.
IT IS JUST A NEAT FEELING..MAKING FREINDS ALL OVER THE WORLD..THUS PROVING THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ALL OVER CAN ..GET ALONG ..SHARE ,IDEAS .OPIONIONS ..SHARE LAUGHS...SMILE ENJOY EACH OTHER..
I THINK THIS HELPS ME ..MY DEPRESSION..LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE...
IT FEELS GOOD WHEN ..YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY,,FOR ALL DAYS ARE NOT GOOD..
TH E FLASHBACKS COME ,FALL INTO A DEPRESSION SLUMP...BUT THE GUYS FROM CANADA .HAVE BROUGHT ,,HOPE TO ME..LISTENED TO ME WHEN I NEEDED FOR SOMEONE TO JUST BE THERE.
WO W ,I JUST WANT TO SING OUT LOUD I WANT TO ROLL IN THE GRASS FEEL THE GRASS BETWEEN MY TOES...TO DANCE,,,TO JUST...BE CALM..AND AT EASE WITH MYSELF..TO NOT HAVE THAT PAIN THAT OFTEN ,,FILLS MY ENTIRE BODY
I AM ...HAPPY..HAPPY TO HAVE A CHANCE TO BE ME..AND TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT ME AND NOT TO THINK I DONT DESERVE TO BE HAPPY..TO PLEASE ME..TO ENJOY LIFE
WITH OUT ANY WORRIES AND TO JUST BE...WHO IAM AND ACCEPT WHO I AM
YES LIFE IS GOOD AND I AM HAPPY TO HAVE WON THE BATTLE ..FIGHT HARD ..TO FIGHT THAT LITTLE VOICE IN MY MIND THAT SAID..YOU WILL BE HAPPY DEAD
I AM GLAD .I DIDNT GIVE IN TO THAT VOICE...
REMEMBER THAT I GET BY WITH THE HELP OF MY FREINDS.AND THIS IS SO SOS TRUE..I GET BY WITH THE HELP OF MY CANADIAN FREINDS.GOD BLESS THEM
AND I STILL EACH DAY AS IT COMES ,YOU HAVE TO ONLY LIVE IN THE PRESANT
THE FUTURE BRINGS YOU WORRIES AND THE PAST IS JUST WHAT IT IS YOU CANT CHANGE IT.....AND I SING THIS SONG DONT WORRY BE HAPPY
AND FOR THIS DAY I AM BLESSED AND I CAN ONLY HOPE TOMORROW WILL BE THE SAME
REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE
PEACE

DEATH OF JOHN LENNON

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7agErfe9nb4 I WAS JUST WATCHING THIS VID ON YOU TUBE , ATRIBUTE TO JOHN LENNON AFTER HIS DEATH ON 12-14-80.I THINK EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHERE THEY WERE WHEN THEY HEARD THE AWFUL NEWS THAT JOHN LENNON DIED BY U GUNSHOT TO HIS HEAD BY A MARK CHAPMAN .THE WHOLE WORLD WAS IN SHOCK...AND 1000s OF PEOPLE WENT TO LENNONS APARTMENT ,WHERE HE WAS SHOT TO MOURN THE FALLEN BEATLE...IT HAS BEEN 28 YEARS ,AND I STILL GET TEARIED EYED WHEN I THINK ABOUT JOHN OR HER HIS MUSIC.
LENNON WAS AN IDOL TO MANY PEOPLE ,AND HE STILL IS SORELY MISSED .PERHAPS BECUASE HE DIED A SENSELESS DEATH. MURDER ,WHY? HE DID NO ONE HARM.LENNON RALLIED FOR PEACE,WROTE A SONG PROTESTING THE VIETNAM WAR.HE LED MANY PEACE PROTESTS AGAINST THE VIETNAM WAR.THE PROTESTORS WOULD SING LENNON S SONG "GIVE PEACE A CHANCE"AND HIS SONG WAS SUNG ALL OVER THE WORLD...TO END VIETNAM WAR.
BUT TODAY AS I LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC...I JUST CRIED AND CRIED...IT WAS SO SAD THAT A YOUNG MAN(HE WAS 40 )LIFE ENDED SO SUDDEN.FOR ME HE WAS A PART OF MY CHILDHOOD MY YOUTH AND MY ADULTHOOD. I HAVE FOND MEMORIES OF HIS SONGS ,AND FOND MEMORIES OF THE BEATLES.THE BEATLES HAD SONGS OF LOVE ,HOPE,HAPPINESS.LIFE AND DEATH.THERE WERE MANY SONGS THAT I ASSOCIATED WITH THE ROUGH TIMES .BREAKUPS ,DEATHS .MARRIAGE,JUST LIFE IN GENERAL.AND I RELATED TO THOSE SONGS .IN EIGHT GRADE ,WE SANG LET IT BE IN OUR YOUTH CHURCH MASS.WE DANCED TO ALL MY LOVING .SHE LOVES YOU AND I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND. ,TO JUST NAME A FEW WE ,MANY,LOVED THE BEATLES ,TRULLY I LOVED THEM.HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU NEVER MET,ROCK SINGERS,BUT I THINK YOU CAN.THEY SANG ABOUT THEIR LIVES THEY SANG AND WE SANG ALONG WITH THEM..YOU FELT YOU KNEW THEM ,,FROM THEIR MUSIC,THEY WERE JUST LIKEABLE PEOPLE.THEY ALMOST SEEMED TO GROW ALONG WITH US.THEY WERE SO LAID BACK ,AND AT LEAST FOR ME ..I ,THEIR MUSIC JUST REACHED ,TOUCHED MY SPIRIT.THEY LAUGHED AND THEY WERE JUST ..FUNNY
THEY SUNG ABOUT LIFE .THE WAR ,THE DRUGS ,THEY SUNG ABOUT THE DEATHS OF THEIR MOMS.,AND LOVE.YOU GOT TO KNOW THEM THRU THEIR SONGS.WE DANCED TO THEIR SONGS AT OUR WEDDING. AT OUR PROM, DURING YOUR FIRST KISS,YOU SANG THEIR SONGS TO YOUR BABIES.THE BEATLES JUST BECAME A PART OF YOUR LIVES AND I MADE LOVE TO THEIR MUSIC.
.AND EVEN NOW .AFTER ALMOST 45 YEARS SINCE THE BEATLES CAME TO AMERICA,,THEY ARE STILL POPULAR ,YOR CHIDREN DANCE TO THEIR MUSIC AND YOUR CHILDREN SING THEIR MUSIC.IT IS SOMETHING SPECIAL. IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE ,IT MAKES ME HAPPY IT MAKES ME SMILE.AND YES I DO LOVE THEM...I KNOW PEOPLE WHO SAY YOU CANT LOVE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN DIFFERANT COUNTRIES.BUT I THINK THE BEATLES SAY IT WELL "ALL WE NEED IS LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IS ALL WE NEED' AND THE BEATLES MADE OUR LIVES A LITTLE BETTER ,LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDERIES....BUT....THEY WILL LEARN IN TIME
THAT WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS LOVE SWEET LOVE
..AND SO TODAY..I WILL SIT BACK ,BRING OUT THE BEATLES MUSIC ,
AND REMEMBER....YOU GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM YOUR FRIENDS.


AND REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

PEACE

a long time friend

MY FRIEND OF 32 YEARS ,SHE IS SUCH AN EASY GOING PERSON....SHE SELDOM WORRIES AND WHENEVER I REALLY FEEL SAD SHE IS ALWAYS THERE ,SHE IS FUNNY ,AND SHE MAKES ME LAUGH...AND I LOVE HER DEARLY..BUT IT IS STILL HARD
BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN FLORIDA AND ME IN LOUISIANA,,,,AND ALTHOUGH SHE CAN TALK ....SHE STILL CANT HOLD ME ,COMFORT ME ,...AND ,,THAT SEEMS TO BE MY PROBLEM...MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE NOT HERE ...
BUT,I HAVE THOSE MEMORIES THAT I HOLD DEEP IN MY HEART,,THOSE ARE PRECIOUS ....AND DEAR TO ME.....WE MET IN HIGH SCHOOL,DATED BROTHERS .SHARED OUR DREAMS ,OUR HOPES ,AND WE LAUGHED AND WE CRIED TOGETHER.WHEN I THINK BACK TO ALL THOSE CRAZY ,INSANE THINGS WE DID ,I SMILE ....THIS IS ONE THING KATRINA CAN NOT TAKE FROM ME...MY MEMORIES,,,
WE BOTH HAD OUR FIRST LOVES OUR SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YES ,OUR PARENTS SAID IT WAS JUST PUPPY LOVE ...BUT IT WASNT...IT WAS SWEET
AND GENTLE...AND WHEN WE BROKE UP IT WAS PAINFUL....YES, I STILL THINK ABOUT MIKE..IT WAS THAT LOVE YOU NEVER WILL FORGET..THE THE KISS YOU
ALWAYS REMEMBER...WE WERE YOUNG..BUT VERY MUCH IN LOVE...
AND MY FRIEND AND MYSELF...WE CRIED AND CRIED ,,,,AND JUST ...COMFORTED EACH OTHER.
BUT THESE FRIENDS ARE HARD TO COME BY,AND AFTER 32 YEARS WE STILL TALK ,LIKE WE WERE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL...THE FIRST TIME I ACTUALLY HEARD HER CRY..WAS WHEN SHE TURNED 50...ITS FUNNY BUT,,ITS ,,JUST THIS THOUGHT OH MY GOD ..HALF MY LIFE IS GONE...MY FRIEND WAS LIKE ME ,HER LIFE WAS HER FAMILY ..HER KIDS AND HER HUBBY...WELL HER CHILDREN ARE GONE AND HER HUSBAND LEFT HER FOR ANOTHER WOMAN...GO FIGURE..
BUT SHE IS A SURVIVOR AND I AM SO PROUD OF HER FOR PULLING HER SELF TOGETHER.WELL,SINCE THE KATRINA I FINALLY REALIZED I WAS LIKE MY FRIEND.
MY LIFE INVOLVED AROUND MY FAMILY..AND I DID NOT TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
BUT IT IS HARD...THE DEPRESSION ...IT ..STILL LINGERS ON....
BUT NOW I AM GOING TO TO TAKE CARE OF ME...AND ME AND MY FRIEND WILL SPEND MUCH NEEDED TIME TOGETHER,,TO LAUGH TO CRY ,,TO HOLD EACH OTHER AND TO TALK ..ALL HOURS OF THE NITE....FRIENDS ARE A WONDERFUL GIFT FROM GOD
I HAVE MADE FRIENDS FROM CANADA...AND ITS SO NICE .TO LAUGH WITH THEM
IT FEELS SO GOOD...THEY ARE MUCH YOUNGER THAN ME.WELL 2 ARE... AND ITS HARD FOR THEM,,,TO DEAL WITH ME.... BUT THEY STILL CARE,,, AND I KNOW THEY
DO NOT LIKE ME TELLING THEM THIS ..BUT I LOVE THEM ,,,I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS
ITS ME JUST ME ,,,AND IT WAS PAINFUL THEM ..TELLING ME THAT THEY DONT LOVE ME ,,ITS ALL GOOD,,, BUT ..PLEASE I JUST DONT WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO THEM FOR SOMETHING THAT I SAID IS REAL....
AND SO I THANK GOD FOR OLD FRIENDS ,,BUT ALSO FOR NEW FRIENDS
AND I WILL GO OFF AND DREAM ABOUT THOSE FOND MEMORIES ....

REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

'
Over the years I ve come to realize that ,in fact ,healing is a process that takes a lifetime.As survivors ,we need to settle in for a long haul.It is a process that continues for the rest of our lives.Healing is not about quick relief.Its about little steps .Its about learning to take care of ourselves.It encompasses both progress and backsliding.Healing is slow .It is gradual.It does not proceed in a straght line,
If you are at the beginning of the healing process,and your life is filled with painful emotions,memories and crisisis ,the idea of healing over time may be irrevelant.You fell terrible now ,and you want to feel better.You feel desperate and you want answers.You want the pain to go away ,
Unfortunately ,there are no easy answers.Healing takes timeRecovery from the effects of child sexual abuse is painful.disorinting and frequently confusing process.and you need inspiration a f
ramework that explains what the healing journey would be like and the of practical survival skills."
this is from the book 'COURAGE TO HEAL" BY LAURA DAVIS


This is so true with myself. In the beginning,after the KATRINA,I was so depressed,so distraught,numb,lost confused.I didnt know what was wrong.I have never felt like this ever before.Sure,I suffered from depression before,but ,i couldnt shake it this time.I was angry.at God ,why did He let this happen?I started having ...these...moments ,that seemed to last forever.I was reliving those moments during the KATRINA.I was so frightened.I felt so sad
and alone.I didnt leave my room for months.I would just ...go numb just numb.It was the hardest time in my life.I was battling something i had know idea how to win.I was scared and...worried ..I just didnt want to live if life was going to be like this,I wanted to just get better .I wanted those awful flashbacks to stop,I wanted to get out of bed ,,happy ..no pain
no worry,I wanted to get well like yesterday.But soon I realized this battle was too hard to face alone...
I was still angry with GOD and angry for my work. to place me into such a horrible situation.I
,worked during the KATRINA in a hospital...TERROR.....I ..looked death sraight in the face...
and..that in it self was frightening...i would die,in this damn hospital...and no one would find me
My body would be in the water,,,,,OMG...I was so worried..no family ..they had evacuated..
It was just so hard....
And every day,I Relived the horror..I live the pain, the horror of death...But I soon realized I
could not face this battle alone...It would take the help of doctors,social workers ,my family and my friends. I WANTED to end now,,at first I would go to my the social worker three days a week
I coukldnt stand the pain..it was just horrble..cried and cried and cried!!! I just wanted it to END
,,,,,AND now three years have passed..its a little better..I still cry when I see the devastation,I still cry when ..i think about the people that died .I still cry about the patients that died in the hospital because of the horrible conditions.I still have flashbacks they are less frequent I still shake when there is a thunderstorm and the wind is howling.....and I dont listen to the news ,cause there are constantly news dealing with the katrina.
But,now I realize it will take time to heal...and I probably will never totally get over it..'
but I can learn to ..cope with it...IT gets easier with time,,with meds ...with ...sessions with my social worker..with my family supporting me..with my friends ..willing to just listen
And special thanks to 3 guys from canada .... whom have proven....that ..friendship among friends can exist between ..people in 2 countries,They have helped me tremendously...with their wit and their kindness and their .....friendship....and their laughter ....and just being them...
AND....I thank RON .JASON AND RYAN....for being my CANADA .....pals... you guys hold a place deep in my heart ....
and so.....I certaintly hope that this blog....the thoughts I share with you ,will be of some help to all of you....I do you know how it feels ,,,I do know it helps to talk and I do know ..together we can handle this depression..and provide some comfort
and remember THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

PEACE



,

neat happy go lucky song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDq36YD1ESM whenever i am down i like listening to this song... i hope you enjoy it too

remember the love you take is equal to the love you make

HOW CAN YOU SAVE A LIFE?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee1TkygONOk I LOVE THIS SONG..... I WISH MORE PEOPLE WHO NO PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION LISTEN TO THIS SONG

ITS WEDNESDAY,HUMP DAY,AND,INDEED IT IS.FOR ME ITS .WOW I GOT THRU HALF OF A WEEK....WITH NO MAJOR ...BREAKDOWNS! HOWEVER I WENT TO MY SUPPORT GROUP ..AND ...ITS A GREAT THING.ITS A SAFE PLACE...THE PEOPLE THERE ARE ...HAVE SIMILAR ISSUES AS YOURSELF...AND YOU ..,I CAN LET MY GUARD DOWN...I CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE...BEING ME..I CAN BE COMFORTABL CRYING,SHARING MY PROBLEMS AND ALL WILL LISTEN ALL WILL CARE....
AND,//ITS JUST THAT THEY CAN RELATE AND UNDEDRSTAND CAUSE ,,THEY HAVE BEEN THERE OR THEY ARE DEALING WITH IT NOW .
..BUT..IT FEELS GOOD TO BE THERE CAUSE FOR NOW ..UR NOT BEING....WHO UR NOT YOU ARE NOT LYING .....YOU DONT WALK ON EGGSHAELLS...THEY ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.. MANY TIMES I HIDE MY TRUE FEELINGS ....PUT ON THE ...SMILE WHEN DEEP INSIDE YOUR CRYING....YOU WEAR THAT MASK...FOR SHOW...THE MOTHER MASK WORKER MASK FRIEND MASK ETC ETC....BUT ...I SHOULDNT HAVE TO WEAR MASK ,,A DISGUISE ,,BUT I DO!!!!
....FOR YEARS I LIED TO EVERYONE BUT MORE IMPORTANT I LIED TO MYSELF ...I WAS TRYING TO BE SOMEON E I AM NOT ..I WAS TRYING TO BE THAT STRONG ..PERSON
I LIED BOUT MY DAD MY MOM...MADE THEM OUT TO BE PEOPLE I WANTED THEM TO BE..THE CLEAVER FAMILY...I WANTED TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.....
BUT..ACTUALLY NO FAMILY IS ..PERFECT...MOST FAMILIES ARE DYSFUNCTIONAL.
I DIDNT WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW BOUT GOOD OLD DADS DRINKING PROBLEM OR GOOD OLD DADS ..SLEEPING IN MY BED....SO I MADE MY OWN FAIRY TALE...STORY ..TO MAKE ME FELL GOOD...WELL,THATS IN THE PAST AND SOMEHOW..ILL EVENTAULLY WORK THRU IT ALL SIFT THRU IT ALL
AND I LL JUST LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME
REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

rejection

I dont know why,Iget so ,defensive,so paronoid,upset,obsessive.I go on this chat,and I think this guy feels,is uncomfortable,with me on.well,we had gotten into a big arguement ,last week ,Iwas
just so sad,hurt,bout what he said,anyway,today on his chat room,he acted ,was not himself ,ignoring me. But was it my mind ,my being paranoid? I am worried ,why did he not answer me?then more upset,more sad,more hurt .its a vicious cycle.I like beg him for forgiveness,and then I think man I have stooped the lowest of lows..I should never beg for people
to forgive me.I shoudnt do it ,but,,,its that damn depression ...
but ,all I want is people to like me.acept me and love me for who I am .I get upset and I relive the conversations over and over,i replay each word..analyze it,,disect it ....find some negative thing..
and ,now i am sad again,now,i am hurt ,why didnt he just tell me ,not talk to me in circles
Tonite ,will be a lonely nite ,and now ,i cry/
rember the love you take is equal to the love you make

positive vibes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWoQDkz3ChM this is a song written by one of my three guys from italy.he wrote and performed his videos. play this when ur down.thanks to my friend
from canada,,,for...being there for me and supporting me...at my lowest of lows ...:)
love ya
peace

song about depression

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNhYEJ9upyQ here is a good song about depression.it also tries to explain how depression...feels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FI3PBGEGjrk this song tells it all.if people,family friends etc.,would just listen to us understand us,reach out to us.then ,they could possibly save our lives
sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us.and ,when no does,no one just doesnt seem to care..then..
it ,,is the last blow that .is it..we are.overwhelmed by sadness,and we are so deep into that dark hold...we cant just muster up enough strength ...we cant ...live...why?why? cant they understand we are reaching out,,,we need to just hear those words spoken,,,,we love you.....we want you around.....many many people shun us,,,why? i dont know,,but we feel all alone...we feel ...dead inside ,,numb.....we feel rejected ..by everyone...its as though..they ..choose when to accept us..they just arent there for us emotionally,..when we are sad ..but frienship ..love ..is accepting who we are...good and bad....times..
PLEASE ,,PLEASE treat us as humans ... as..friends.....down..go when the going is rough and the waters are rough when the roads are rocky,,,
just please accept us for who we are
remember the love you nake is equal to the love you make


peace out

LAST WEEK WAS WRETCHED ..CRIED ME A RIVER OF TEARS..SAD ...ALONE.....I WAS TAKEN BACK ..IN TIME ..WHEN...I WAS DEPRESSED..3 YEARS AGO....I JUST WANTED TO BE ALONE..LOCKED ....IN MY ROOM..I JUST WANTED TO DIE...
DEPRESSION JUST KICKS YOU IN THE ASS....AND I GET SO ..UPSET,,,I JUST WANT SOMEONE ...TO LISTEN..TO CARE...I JUST WANT TO BE HELD...SO TIGHT...TO TAKE AWAY MY PAIN..THIS PAIN IS SO SO SO UNBEARABLE...BUT ... PEOPLE JUST DONT UNDERSTAND...SOME TRY TO UNDERSTAND SOME SOME JUST DONT UNDERSTAND AND SOME JUST DONT CARE.
MY FRIENDS TRY..BUT THEY CANT HANDLE IT..THEY..ARE SADDENED ..TO HEAR THERE FRIENDS ..SO SOO HURT ANYONE.. DOWN
ITS ,YOU JUST WANT TO BE ALONE BECAUSE ..THAT IS THE SAFE PLACE...YOU .,,STAY
IN YOUR ROOM...JUST...STAY... YOU JUST WANT TO DIE ..JUST DIE..IN YOUR MIND YOU DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE...THIS WAY,,,,YOU DIE..,IN DEATH,,,YOU ARE FREE
....THE PAIN IS GONE ,GONE..BUT REALLY...YOU, YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO SAY PLEASE ,PLEASE DONT SAY THAT,,,,YOU WANT TO KNOW THEY CARE..JUST CARE
IT HURTS SO BAD,,,,YOU LOOSE FAITH IN EVERYONE..YOU POUR YOUR SOUL OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS..AND ..THEY,,JUST TO DONT GET YOU...THEY JUST DONT..
ALL YOU WANT IS THEM TO JUST CARE..YOU WANT TO YELL SCREAM, SHOUT...
PLEASE ,PLEASE ...HOLD MY HAND ,HUG ME ,LISTEN,,,CARE,,,
DEPRESSION IS SO .SO ....DARK AND COLD.....AND SAD...YOU ARE CONSTANTLY FIGHTING THE BATLLE THE ,STRUGLE...IT GRIPS YOU, IT TAKES YOU OVER...
,,YOU ..NO LONGER CARE...YOU JUST GIVE IN...
BUT,,YOU JUST GET SO DAMN SAD....FRIENDS THEY SAY HURTFUL THINGS..NOT INTENTIONALLY...BUT,,,YOUR DEPRESSION ..TAKES OVER YOUR MIND AND YOUR ,,,,
SOUL....AND YOU TRY SO DAMN HARD ,,TO GET IT RIGHT ,TO GET GET IT BACK,,,,,
YOU WALK ON EGGSHELLS CAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO GET ANY ONE MAD.
I ...MY FRIENDS,....ARE IMPORTANT TO ME....I ....NAWLINS, WE ..ARE FRIENDLY ,LOVING,CAREING PEOPLE,.....I ...LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS..I JUST ..THATS WHO I AM....AND SOME PEOPLE ,SOME FRIENDS THEY DONT GET IT...AND IT S OK ITS ALL GOOD...ITS THERE ,,,,ITS THEM....BUT,...FOR ME.... I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE
FOR ..SAYING TELLING MY FRIENDS ..I LOVE THEM..THIS IS WHO I AM THIS IS ME...
I AM VERY SINCERE WITH IT.....I MEAN IT....SO ,PLEASE JUST RESPECT MY FEELINGS
.......AND JUST..DONT GET ANGRY BECAUSE I SPEAK THE TRUTH.
AND SO I AM ON THIS ROUGH ROAD ,A ROUGH RIDE ,BUT I WILL ON IT UNTIL I HAVE REACHED THE POINT OF MY LIFE ,WHERE I,AM HAPPY OF WHO I AM,I KNOW MY PURPOSE IN LIFE,WHEN I AM STRONG ,WHEN MY SPIRIT IS AND ARE MENDED
WHEN I REALIZE THE PURPOSE OF MY LIFE....WHEN ...I CAN...TAKE ALL THE WORLD HAS TO GIVE ME ...AND ,,I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY ,JUST WANT TO TO LIVE JUST WANT TO LIVE IN PEACE...AMD I WISH EVERYONE THE SAME
PEACE
REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKR

music is medicine for the soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A2Jt4WOxN8 here this song will make you smile ....put love in your heart ..lift your spirits.. I find music soothes me,relaxes me .calms me..... and ..go in a quiet room,go lay on the grass ....close your eyes ...and just take the music and words in....
I know ..depression....can..take you into a place ..of darkness...sadness....you feel helpless...
you...just..have to talk...you feel alone..WHY? people ..just ...dont want to hear you...it brings them down....and when they reject you...you ..go deeper into that hole....that dark ,cold,lonely.space.....friends tell you....we dont want the burden..we wouldnt burden our other friends...but do they know ..what they would do ..if they were depressed..no ..they say these words to you...and it hurts ,,we are not trying to be a burden..honestly...we just want..someone ..to listen.us.to care...to say it will be allright...to hold us..tight...we dont mean any harm...but those words ,,we are a bother to them..those words..,hurt...deeply...and you hear that replayed in your mind ..you cry..you sob ...and ..deeper you fall into that hole...
but,,,,what are friends? are friends just ..there when its good? again the same ones who speak those words could be one day ..in that dark hold..
depression...all ..everyone ..can ..get to the dark hole....rich ..poor,,smart..... young and old
it doesnt choose ..it goes after.everyone... it can happen suddenly....something can pull you under,,,and there you are..
katrina ..is responsible ,,for depression ,,,,in many people. a death ...job loss.divorce...etc
and ..so ..I ..fall into katrina ..survivor.... I live with depression on daily basis...its hard its a struggle.... its unbearable at times... days you just stay in bed....days ..you just want to die...
you ,,just picture yourself free....for death..means ..freedom ..from the demon depression
and I you ..often are alone...all alone.....depression is a lonely..illness..
...but i try to live each day at a time....and..i try to please me first......
so..whoever is out there .reading this ..please ,please....feel free to join in this blog..
here no one,will, hurt you..here you are safe ...thus called in a safe place..
and...all of you here will treat each other with respect and love.
remember THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

PEACE
SUE

smile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRqJUtqDrbM listen to this song ....each day .. and smile

WELL, ...IT IS BETTER TODAY...NOT AS SAD NOT AS MISERABLE ....I AM OK ...AND IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD....SEE WITH DEPRESSION YOU HAVE GOOD DAYS AND BAD ONES ...AND YOU ONLY PRAY THAT THERE ARE MORE GOOD DAYS ...BUT ONE THING I DO KNOW....AT TIMES I NEED TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.....SOMETIMES ..ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.....DEPRESSION ..TAKES UP A LOTTA OF ENERGY....IT WEARS YOU DOWN.....FOR SO LONG I WAS IN DENIAL ..I WASNT SUFERRING FROM DEPRESSION..NOT ME....AND...GRADUALLY...CLASH ..KATRINA HIT...AND ...I HAD REACHED...THE LOWEST OF LOWS...I BARELY EXISTED....STAYED IN BED ....NEVER LEFT..... STAYING ALONE...FEELING NUMB...I WAS A LOST SOUL..WORK THE ONLY THING I THOUGHT KEPT ME GOING...WAS GONE..WHO WAS I ? WHAT WILL I DO?WHY DID I LIVE?WHY? WHY? WHY?
TOO MANY QUSTIONS,WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? I WALKED AROUND DAZED AND CONFUSED..I QUESTIONED GOD FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN..WHY? I WAS FULL OF ANGER...... I WAS SAD I WAS HURTING...I FELT EMPTY INSIDE...I JUST DIDNT WANT TO LIVE NOT LIKE THIS..
I PRAYED FOR GOD TO TAKE ME....I WAS ...NOT THERE FOR MY HUSBAND
OR MY CHILDREN.... I WAS SO TIRED OF THESE DAMN FLASHBACKS...OMG...YOU JUST RELIVE THE KATRINA OVER AND OVER AGAIN..THEN YOU DONT WANT TO GO TO SLEEP
BECAUSE ....OF THESE DAMN NITE TERRORS..THEY WERE HORRIFIC...I WANTED TO
PUT AN END TO IT.
ONE DAY....IT GOT SO BAD,,,,, I HAD THE BOTTLE OF PILLS......I WAS READY
BUT...I DONT KNOW WHAT IT WAS ....I STOPPED....I CALLED MY HUSBAND WENT TO THE HOSPITAL....AND TOLD THEM I GOTTA BE ADMITTED ....AND I WAS
...THAT WAS THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE... IT GOT ME TO REALIZE THAT ....I WAS SEVERLY DEPRESSED AND IN NEED OF HELP..
......WELL,FAST FORWARD THREE YEARS.....YES I STILL SUFFER
FROM DEPRESSION...AND.... IT IS HARD WORK ..LOTSA HARD WORK.....BUT THEY SAY NOTHING IN LIFE IS EASY... I HAVE REALIZED .....THAT ....THE KATREINA SAVED ME....YES ,BECAUSE IF I STAYED ON THE PATH I WAS GOING I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BE DEAD....SUICIDE... AND .... NOW AS I SAID I LIVE EACH DAY AS IT COMES
I AM NOT HARD ON MYSELF ..I AM NOT AS ANGRY AS I ONCE WAS ,... THE FLASHBACKS ARE LESS FREQUENT. THE NITE TERRORS NOT AS OFTEN...
AND THANX TO MY SOCIAL WORKER AND MY DOC I WOULD NOT BE HERE TODAY.
I THANK MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.... OLD AND NEW FOR BEING THERE
UNDERSTANDING ...AND I MOST IMPORTANT I THANK GOD....FOR WATCHING OVER ME.....
IT IS HERE THAT I WISH TO THANK THREE WONDERFUL GUYS IN CANADA FOR PUTTING LAUGHTER BACK IN MY LIFE... PUTTING A SMILE ON MY FACE
SO TO THEM I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL.
I AM SEARCHING FOR THE TRUE ME THE SELF ....MY TRUE SPIRIT MY TRUE PURPOSE IN THIS WONDERFUL WORLD
....BUT NOW I AM THANKFUL TO BE ALIVE....AND ENJOY EACH DAY TO ITS FULLEST
AND LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WAS YOUR LAST. AND I THANK GOD FOR MY FAMILY FRIENDS FOR WITHOUT THEM....WHO KNOWS WHERE I WOULD BE
REMEMBER THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE
PEACE
SUE

THE DEEP DARK HOLE :DEPRESSION

here ,now,heart is racing,you cant sit ,you cant stand...you pace back and forth...you cry,you sob uncotrollably.you,just feel ,so alone so sad ...you want to call..you wonder should you..you say noo..the, you find yourself ,picking up that phone,typing the emails,going on the chat room...and you you shouldnt.They,someone will get upset.And ,you know this but.its like this battle is raging between you and that demon depression. And the demon always wins,and the sufferer always looses out.you cry,you get filled with anger,inpatience.delusions .paraniod...its all there..
and...you..at some point dont know whats going on ..all these fears all these feelings,emotions ...are there raw,,,, they eat away at you. They take control ..of you ,your body your mind.The demon,this depression now takes possesion of your heart soul and spirit.You just give in...why fight it ?
And ,all these phone calls ,all these emails,chat...you ask yourself,what did i do,your frightened ,your scared ,your embarassed ,you question ...did I say something rude ,or did i just make a fool of myself? .as I poured out my soul,my life my problems?And .you play back in your mind every word you said,you read and reread every sentance you wrote,hoping,that that But person will be the one that finally gets me.But,your hopes once shattered again...
the y dont get me , ...and ,,in ..a sad way..I do understand .But,that doesnt take away the pain,the hurt,the deep dark cloud that hoovers over your head.
You,get more and more anxious.you want somethind done yesterday.You,just want people to ,put their arms around you ...and hug so tight until the pain goes away.You want them to be there just be there .to hold your hand,wipe the tears that ,now are rolling off of your face like a river stream.You want them to take away the pain,although.you know thats imposssible.but is it wrong to dreamYou want them to just say ,it will be alright,and know its true.
Depression robs you of your life .your spirit your soul..And,you want to feel better.You dont want people to think hey why are you crying,i wont deal with that,or people who think we can get over it ,If it was that easy do you think we would do it,just get over it.
When I get anxious,I just ,,yes I admit ,,a bit extreme...but thats not me ,its the depression
talking. I have been accused of being disrespctful rude,by calli ng ,interupting their personal private lives...that statemnet ,is fair..but,,none done intentionally none done with vengance or hate or disrespect for others ...but,,its that evil demon depression,,It rears its ugly face out..
You see for me this ,,,,anxiety overcomes me...I JUST GOTTA DO IT .. but mt social worker says that is ..depression atits worst.
I live with it every single day of my life. Sometimes I live each minute one day at a time.
Friends are few,no one wants to be bothered,no one wants its burdens,but I ask the question
what if a loved one gets a stroke or cancer or another debilitating illness,would you consider that a burden?Friends .true friends should be there for the long haul,not leave when the going gets bad!True friends are there for you good and bad times.You share your ideas ,dreams etc,And yes friends can exist when miles seperates them.All you need to be is there for each other.And with modern technology,you can even see each other
Depression,is indeed a disease,its ,painful,its devastating and so much misunderstood. We dont just get over,we just cant wish away our fears ,sadness, pain.We dont do things on purpose ,we just cant be talked with such ..inconsiderations...we are ill we are human. We cant control,these flashbacks ,these nite terrors,the crippling fear that prevents us from living ,
All we ask is to treat us with understanding and compassion .Never say ,,just get over it,or its been 3 yrs since the hurriccane,arent you over it,etc etc,
And with that i sign off
THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

THE DREAM

Here ,I am working the "KATRINA",the storm is moving on land....the wind is howling,the building shakes,....floods....silence...the end.
A co worler .comes to me...holding back the tears...your daughter is missing...silence numb..stare,,,try to speak..no words..frozen..she repeats it again
...WHY?HOW?WHERE?..these words are spoken....She was found...in the water...she ..has drowned....
WHAT? NOOOOO!!!!! NOOOO!!! You are wrong..Mistaken..shes alive,shes alive shes alive!!!!
my daughter just cant be dead.
....Later..they bring to me this limp,lifeless body....They say here is your daughter...do you want to see her...silence...but my arms stretch out...to hold her...they then ...place her gently in my arms...NOOOO!!!! I cant look..I cant look...then I ..glance at the body...OMG OMG....!!!!!
Yes it is her,its mydaughter..lifeless...I just keep repeating to myself ,no no,no,no, she is not dead,she is not dead...she cant be she cant be....
....Later I am in my house...I found myself....in her room..Noooo...I fall to the ground....
sobbing....WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER? Screaming,shaking,crying....
.....I jump up .... in my bed.... it is only a dream.

SURVIVORS OF THE 'katrina'

After surviving KATRINA ,surviving working in a hospital,after coming back to the home or indeed ,if you had a home to come back to.As you drove through what ...looks like a war zone rather than the quiet ,qaint ,oak lined neighborhoods streets.And then .for a moment .you just pray.That your house will still be standing, And,your house is still standing.And then...you just thank GOD you are alive.
You ..park your car blocks away because of all those fallen beautiful oaks in the streets ,and worse some have fallen on your neighbors roof.As you try to hold back those tears,....yes ...as you your house stands untouched.Then ... you go on your knees you look up at the sky
you nod your head ..and in that moment you thank GOD above for ..being fortunate to have a
home to come back to,
The tears pour down your chin ,for although you are one of the fortunate one,you are saddened for those who are misfortunate.we pray for being alive and we also .pray for those who have died.We are the survivors.Are we really blessed?And the survivors .why us ?Why did we live while others died such a horrible death?
Many ask why stay? Why stay in new orleans .But I think about that question,and my response is pride ,we are proud ,strong,people.
The storm took away many things homes.schools ,churches,parks,entire communities ,entire parishes wiped out .A poltician asked 'WHY DO THE CITIZENS WANT TO STAY?" He even sugessted moving the city ,yes move hah ! oK how about cities with mudslides ,earthquakes,floods etc should those cities just pack up and move?

We our proud of our city ,we are proud to call new orleans home.Spite all of the devastation ,destruction from KATRINA,we the people of new orleans will rebuild,we will rise up from the ruins and we will return bigger and better. We are proud to be called NEW ORLEANIANS.
AND YES WE DO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO MISS NEW ORLEANS.